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“Cooper,we'vethoughtallalongthatScarletwastrappedawayin whateverdarkcornerofmymindshelockedmeupin,right?”

  “Yeah...”

  “Whatifshe'snothidingawayatall?Whatifshe'sdisappearing?

  Dying?”

  “Shecan't.Thatdoesn'tmakeanysense.She'spartofyou.”

  “Iknowsheis,butIdon'tfeel anything, Cooper.Nothingfromher, andIhaven'tsincesheletmeout.ItoldSeanthatmaybesincetraumalet herout,traumashutherawayagain,butI'mstartingtowonderifthatis evenwhat'sgoingon.”

  “Explain.”

  “Thematebond,it'sintense,right?”

  “Well,Idon'tknowfirsthand,butI'veseenit.Iguessthat'safair estimation”

  “Didyoueverseethatbondbroken?”Iasked,hopinghewouldhave answersthatcouldshedlightonthemysteryshroudingScarlet's disappearance.

  “Idid.Once.”Hisvoicesoundeddistantandmournful.

  “Whathappened?”Iproddednervously.

  Heswallowedhard.

  “Hekilledhimselfafterward.Hecouldn'thandletheloss.”

  Silenceweighedheavilybetweenus.

  “Whatifthat'swhatScarletisdoing?Whatifshe'sslowlyfading away?Fromgrief?”

  “Butthatdoesn'tmakeanysense.Theywere justnewlymated.The wolvesIknewhadbeentogetherfordecades.Surelythatmustfactorinto things.”

  “Youdidn'tfeelherpain,Cooper.Beforesheshutmeout,itwas unbearable.Therageandgriefwerestifling.”

  “Butit'scompletelyunlikeher,Ruby.She'scunning,shrewd,and highlyattachedtoliving,ifIrecallcorrectly.Shewouldn'tcrawlintoa corneranddie.Noway.Thatbitchwillgodownfightingeverytime.”

  Iwasn'tsosure.

  “Butwhatifshecouldn'tfight?Whatifshehadnooutletforit?”I asked,wonderinghowsomeonesoill-equippedtodealwithemotionof thatkindwoulddowithoutsomething,orsomeone,totakeitouton.

  “AlistairkilledhisalphabecausehisbondwithJemmahadbeensevered.

  Onceheknewwhotheguiltypartywas,hetorehimapartwithout thinkingtwice.Scarletcouldn'treallydothatgiventhecircumstances.

  Shehadnoonetoclaimhervengeanceon.”

  “Maybe,butIstilldon'tbelieveshewouldjustwalkawayintothe abyssofyourmind.It'sjustnothernature.”

  “Idon'tthinkshe'squiteascallousasyoumakeherouttobe, Cooper.Anditexplainseverything.MysightrepairedtheverymomentI Changed.Whyelsewoulditdisappearotherthanasadirectresultof her disappearing?”

  “Fuck!”heyelled,smashinghisfistintothewallbesidehim.“This justcan'tbehappening.Itcan't.”

  “Iwanttoagreewithyou,Coop,butsomethingGavinsaidonly furthercementsmytheory,”Iarguedsoftly,notwantingtoupsethimany morethanIalreadyhad.“HesaidthatIneededtogetcontrolofherinthe future, ifIwaseveraffordedtheopportunity.Ithinkhemeans ifshe's stillaroundtogetcontrolofatall.Thathastobeit,Cooper.Youknow whatI'msayingmakessense.”

  Hislackofresponsewasconfirmationenough.Hiscrushing embracewasoverkill.

  “We'llfindawaytofixit,Ruby,”hewhisperedintomyhair, rustlingitsoftlywithhiserraticbreathing.“Idon'twanttoaskthis,but whenisSeanhome?Ifanyonecansortthisout,it'llbehim.”

  “Hesaidhe'dbebacklatertoday.Hewassupposedtobemeeting Jay,Trey,andfewotherbrothersinBostonlatertoregroupanddebrief.I cancallhim.”

  Coopermadethatgrimacedsuckingsoundthroughclenchedteeth.

  Badnewswasheadedmyway.

  “You'regonnaneedtousemyphoneforthat,”hesaidsheepishly.

  “Yoursmayormaynotbeinpiecesonthelivingroomrug.”

  “Man,I'mgoingtohavetostartbuyingcheaperphonesgiventhe rateIgothroughthem,”Ilamented.“Youcangetmeonetomorrow.Tell Chip,orTad,orwhateverhisnameisatRadioShackthatIsayhi.Iswear heknowsmynamebynow.”

  “I'msorry.Takemine.Gotoyourroom.Callhim.Rest.We'llsort everythingelseoutlater.”

  Heplacedhiscellinmyhandafterretrievingthenumberand hitting“call”forme.Ireachedforhisfaceandpulledhimdowntome, leavingawhisperofakissonhischeekbeforefollowingthehallwaywall downtomybedroomandshuttingthedoor.

  IsatonthebedjustintimeforSeantopickup.

  31

  Cooperwasright.IneededtotellSeanwhatwashappening―butnotover thephone.Somethingsneedtobedoneinperson,andthatwasoneof them,soIdidmybesttoplayitcasualandsaidIwasgoingtostopbyhis placelaterthatevening.Iknewthatbreakingthenewswouldhurthim terribly―hewasafixer,andasfarasIcouldtell,therewasn'tawayto fixmysituation.Ihopedhewouldshamemewithaneasysolution.

  CooperdrovemeovertoSean'sapartmentandofferedtowalkme up,butIdeclined.Iwasn'tcompletelydebilitated.Notyet.Taking advantageofthelittledaylightthatwasleft,Icarefullymademywayto theentranceofhisbuilding.Onceinside,Istartedupthemultipleflights ofstairsasIcountedthemoff―ahabitIneverquitelostafterIgained mysight.Itwasjusttooingrainedinmenotto.

  SinceIhadcalledahead,hewasexpectingmeandawaitedmy arrivalonthelandingoutsidehisapartmentdoorasheoftendid.The blurryfigurecouldhavebeenanyone,really,butIknewitwashimfrom hisenergy.Itintensifiedwithmyeverystep.

  “Iwasgladyouwantedtocomeovertonight,”heannounced, soundingeverybitaspleasedasheproclaimedtobe.IloathedthatI couldn'tseethesmilehewaslikelywearing.

  “Yeah,well,myplansfellthroughso...hereIam.”

  Helaughedheartilyatmyjab.YetanotherthingIwassorryI couldn'tfullywitness.

  IknewIwasapproachingthefinalstep,butasIlookeduptosmile inhisgeneraldirection,Icaughtmytoeonthelastone,fallingtoward him.IntypicalSeanfashion,hecaughtmewithoutanyeffortandhelped meintotheapartment.HehadnoideajusthowmuchIneededthathelp.

  “Gladtoseesomethingsneverchange,”hejoked,closingthedoor behindus.Theapartmentwasdark,whichdidnothingtohelpme.What wasitwithhimandlights,anyway?

  “ItseemslikeScarletwasthemorecoordinatedofustwo,and, well,she'snotreallyaroundtohelpoutthesedays,so...”

  “Soit'stheRubythatIfellinlovewith.Theonewhocouldfind dangerinthemostinnocuousofplaces.”

  “Guessso.”

  “Doyouwantsomethingtodrink?”heasked,walkingbehindme towardthekitchen.Heflippedontheindustrialpendantlightabovethe island,whichwasagodsendforme.Theobjectsintheroomwerefar moreeasilyseenwiththatlittlebitoflight,butIwasstillreluctantto move,soIhoveredwhereIwas―eightstepsintotheapartment.

  “Um,Idon'tthinkIneedanyfurtherimpairment,thanks.”

  Hehesitatedforamoment;hewasnolongerrummagingthrough thecupboardforhisstash.Ifeltthesweatbeadingonmyback.Ididnot wanttohavethisconversationwithhim,butitwascominganywayI slicedit.

  “Somethingwrong,Ruby?”Hisfigureapproachedmeslowly.“Why areyoujuststandingthere?”

  Iprayedforawaytotellhimdelicately.

  “I...Ican'tstaylong,Sean.Ijustcameovertotellyousomething, really.”

  Icouldfeelhisguardgoup,andforamoment,IwasgladIcouldn't seehisbeautifulbutimpassiveface.

  “Whatisit?”HistonewascolderthanI'dthoughtitwouldbe.

  “Yousee,thethingis,”Irambled,unabletojustblurtoutthetruth.

  “CooperandIweretalkingand―”

  “YouandCooper?Isee,”heinterrupted.“AndamIgoingtolike theconversationyouhad?”

  Silence.

  “No.”Icouldfeelthetearswellingupinmyfailingeyes.Theywere sonothe
lping.

  “No?”heasked,histonetakingthatbusinesslikeedgethatI dreaded.“ThenIsuggestyoujustgetitoverwithandtellmewhatitisso IcanknowexactlywhatitisthatI'mnotgoingtolike.”

  Hemovedclosertome,blockingoutthekitchenlight.Icracked underthepressureandtriedtomoveaway.Steppingtotherightofhim,I thoughtIwasaimingtowardthecouch.Ishouldhavehadaclearpath.

  Apparently,he'dgoneshoppingsinceIwaslastthere.Inmyescape attempt,Icaughtmytoeontheedgeofarugthathadneverbeenthere beforeandcrashedtothefloor.

  “Dammit!”Iscreamed,hatingthehelplessfeelingIhad.

  “What'swrongwithyoutonight?”Hetriedtohelpmeup,butIwas toofrustratedtoaccepthishelp.

  “Don't!”Isnapped,knockinghishandaway.“Icandoitmyself.”

  “I'msureyoucan,Ruby.That'snotthepoint.”

  “Butit isthepoint,Sean.It'scompletelythepoint.”

  “Areyoutryingtopickafightwithmetoavoidtellingmethebad news?”

  “No,I'mpickingafightwithyou totellyouthebadnews.”

  “What?You'renotmakinganysense.”

  “Great!ThenI'mactingcongruentlywitheverythingelsethat's goingoninmylife.”

  “Wouldyoupleasejusttellmewhatyou'retalkingabout?”

  Itwasn'tarequest.Itwasanorderwrappedupwithaquestionmark foretiquette.WhenIdidn'treply,hetriedanother.“Wouldyouatleast lookatme?”

  “Ican't,”Iwhispered.

  “Youmeanyouwon't,”hereplied,thetensionpalpableinhisvoice.

  “No!ImeanI can't,Sean,”Isnapped.“Youwanttoknowwhy?I'm goingblind,Sean.That'swhyIcan'tlookatyouandthat'swhatIcameto tellyou―whatCooperandIweretalkingaboutthatyouwouldn'tlike.”

  Ifeltthetearsoverflowandflooddownmyface.Theypissedme offevenmore.

  “What?”hewhispered,completelymotionless.

  “I'mgoingblind.Ididn'trealizewhatwasgoingonatfirst.I thoughtIwasjusttiredanditmadethingsabitfuzzy,butyesterday...it escalated.Icanonlymakeoutthegeneralshapesofobjectsaroundme,”I informedhim,slowlyfeelingmyangerdrainawaytodejection.“Ican't evenseeyourface.”

  Islumpedbackdowntotherugthathadexposedme,pullingmy kneesupintomychest.Growingupblindhadnevermademefeelsmall andhelpless.Losingmysightagaindid.

  “Ruby—”Hecouldn'tevenfinishhisthought.Itriedtoblockhis energy,butitwasimpossible.Itcoatedme,penetratingasheslowly approached.WhereIwouldnormallyfinditcomforting,itonlyservedto makemefeelworse.

  “Pleasedon't,”Isaid,puttingmyhandsupdefensively.

  Ifeltthefloorgivewaytheslightestamountashekneltbeforeme, takingmywristsgentlyinhishands.

  “Letmesee.”Hisvoicewassoftandsorrowful,butitwasanorder nonetheless.Notwantingtofighthim,Islowlyliftedmyheadfrommy kneestofacehim―eyesclosed.Heloweredmyhandstothefloorthen cuppedmyfaceinhishandssoreverently.“Openthem. Please.”

  Withadeepbreath,Ididjustthat.Itonlysaddenedmefurther when,insteadofseeinghisangelicfaceinfrontofme,Isawablurred mess.ItwasnothowIwantedtorememberhim.

  Heranhispalmgentlyupmyface,restingitjustovermyeyes.He mutteredsomethingunintelligible,andIfelthisenergyshift immediately.Itwasintense,dark―ancient.

  Unfortunatelyforme,myproblemwasn'tonethathismagiccould mend.

  Iheardthegrowlgrowinginhisthroatashepulledhishandaway.

  “Ican'tdoanythingtohelpyou,”hesaid.Hesoundedlikehe wantedtoteartheroomapart,hisfrustrationever-mounting.

  “Iknow,”Isniffled.“Ididn'tcomeherethinkingyoucould.”

  Hesaidnothing,onlypulledmyfacetowardshisslowly.Myeyes closedinresponse.Ifelthisbreathlightonmyfaceasheleanedinto gentlykissmyeyelids,hoveringovereachonewhenhefinished.Maybe hethoughthislovecouldfixthem.

  Iopenedthemtoseeifithad.

  “Stillnothing,”Ijoked,notfeelingespeciallyhumorous.

  “I'msorry,Ruby.”Hisvoicecarriedaweightthatthreatenedto breakhim.

  “It'snotyourfault,”Ireplied,reachingforhim.Ifoundhisfaceand didmyownexploring,tracingallthegloriousanglesitheld.Onelasttear escapedasIdid.

  “Wehavetogetherback― Scarlet.Wehavetofindoutwhat's happeningtoher.”

  Isighed.

  “Sean,Ithinkshe'sdying,orfadingaway.Somethinglikethat,”I said,rehashingtheconclusionthatCooperandIhadcometo.“I'mgoing tobewhatIwasbeforesheshowedup.”IchokedonthewordsIspoke, andtheonesIneededtosay.“Willthat...?Willyou...?”Anothersigh escapedmebeforeIcouldforcethewordsout.“Willyoustillbeableto loveme,ifit'sjust me?NoScarlet.Nosupernaturalanything.Justme, blindandeverything?”

  “Nothingcouldmakemestop,Ruby. Nothing.”

  Hesaidnomore,scoopingmeupsilentlyintohisarmsandcarrying meofftowardhisbedroom.Layingmedownsoftlyontopofhisbed,he sliddownbesideme,immediatelytuckingmeinclosetohim.Thoughhis wordsfailedhim,hisemotionsdidnot.Foronce,theyservedhimwell.

  Inthedarkness,heshowedmeexactlywhatImeanttohim,andI felteveryounceofit.Hetangledhishandsinmyhairandneverletgo, kissingmesoftlyandslowly,likenothingelseintheworld mattered―likethedramacouldbepostponedforanotherday.ButIcould feelthathehadwithdrawnsomewheredeepwithinhimself―there,but not―asifhismindhadescapedtoaplacethatmadehimmorecapableof dealingwiththeimplicationsofmyblindness.

  Ikissedhimback,tryingtoreachhim,toassurehimthroughmy touchthateverythingwasgoingtobeallright.Judgingbyhisreaction, hedidn'tbuymyfalsecomfortsanymorethanIdid.Ourpacestarted slow,hiskisseslingering,butasweproceeded,ithastened,bothofus feelinganeedtohavemore,faster.Desperationandfearfedus.

  Withgrowingconcern,ourbodiestwistedcloserandtighter, clingingtooneanotherlikeitwaspertinenttooursurvival.Maybeit was.Hewassooftenmylifeline;itmadesensethathewouldbeyet again.Hewhisperedsoftandforeignwords,hisbreathticklingmylips, causingmybodytoshudder.Theytemporarilylulledme,sweetly releasingmyfearswhileIsuccumbedtotheonlythingthatmatteredin thatmoment―him.

  Hisforeignmutteringspickedupintensityandurgencywhenhe finallyunlockedhishandsfrommycurlstoexploremybody,claiming everythinghetouched.Myhandsmirroredhis,franticallyclawingathis clothing,whichIsuddenlyfoundoffensive.Ourmouthswerestill entangled,eachtryingtoconsumemoreoftheotherwitheverygrowing second.

  Afterfinaglinghisshirtoffwithsomeeffort,Icapturedthebackof hisheadinmyhands,fistinghishairtightlytoleveragemybodycloser tohis.Thevibrationthatcoursedthroughmefromhischesttightened everypartofmeinthemostgloriousofways.Seanstillhad,andalways wouldhave,aneffectonmethatwasunparalleled.

  Iscrambledinresponse,needingtohavehisbareskinonmine,but heclaspedmyspastichandsinhis,holdingthemgentlydownatmy sides.Withmesomewhatimmobilized,hecontinuedhismission, unhinderedbymyrisingdesiretobewholewithhim.Hepresseddown againstme,lettingmefeelthefullweightofhisbodybeforeslidingup alongmetoputhislipstomyear.

  Iheldmybreath,expectinghimtosaysomethingprofoundashe alwaysdid,butinsteadhejustbrushedthelobeeversolightlywithhis mouth.Everyhaironmybodystoodatattention.Heworkedhisway downmyneckpainfullyslowly,angeringyetpleasuringmetheentire way.Onoccasionhewouldwhisperthesameindecipherablephraseover andoveragainstmyskin,delightingmynervoussystemwithevery melodicsyllable.

  Myshirtstrayedupwardashishandstracedghost-like
patterns alongmysides,mystomach―mychest.Ishiveredbeneathhim,willing himtospeedup,thewaitnearlytorturous.Whenhislipscamedown uponthehollowofmyneck,Iheavedupagainsthim,begginghimforthe contactIwanted―needed―most.Tobeonewithhimandhimalone.

  Sensingmydistress,hegentlypulledmytopovermyhead,his bodyneverdriftingfar.Hisbareskinonminefeltlikeheaven,anditwas morethanenoughtokeepmefocusedonthenowandblockoutthe uncertaintyoftomorrow.Tomorrowcouldwait.

  Hisfingerscontinuedtheirballeticdanceacrossmybody, memorizingitthroughtouchasIhadmemorizedhisfaceonlyminutes earlier.IfeltasthoughhewastryingtounderstandhowIwouldliveina worldofshadowsandunknowns.Itwashiswayofempathizingwith whatIstoodtolose.

  Everypassdrewthelightesthintofsorrowfromhim,hisforeign wordscomingmorefrequently―aconfession,apurgingofremorsefora losshecouldn'tquiteunderstand.Ireachedforhim,tryingtopullhim backtome,butheevadedmelikeonlyhecould.Itriedtotellhimwhat heneededtohear,butheshushedmequickly,restinghislightly callousedthumbonmymouth.Itthenbrushedapathbackandforth acrossmylips,andtheypartedwiththecontactasIinhaleddeeply.

  Instinctively,Itookitintomymouthandtoyedwithit,suckingitslowly untilagrowlescapedhim.

  Secondslater,mypantsweretossedagainstthewall,slidingdown untiltheyhitthefloorwiththelightestthud.Theywereechoedby anotherpairdirectlyafterward.WhenSeanreturnedtome,itwas abundantlyapparentthatthetimefortendernesswasover.

  Heslidmyunderweardowncarefully,butwithhaste.Restinghis body,stillagainstme,hespoketheonlywordsIunderstoodduringour encounter.

  “Iwillnotletyougo,”hewhisperedintomymouthashekissed me.

  Thenhewasinsideme,drivinghimselfagainstmybodyasthough hewantedtothrustmyvisionbackintome―ordriveScarletoutof hiding.Witheyesclosed,Imethispace,wantingtoblendintohisrhythm seamlessly.Ourtiminginlifehadneverbeenperfect,butthatnightinhis bed,itwas.

  Hisrepetitiveforeignphrasecontinuedthroughout,buildingin volumeandcadencetomatchhispowerandspeed.Aswebuilttoclimax, hepushedupoffofme,grabbingmylegstothrustintomeonefinaltime.