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  Mattywasonborrowedtime,andIknewit.

  36

  Mypromiseofnotsleepingwasacompletefarce.Wearrivedatmy apartmenttofindbodieslyingallaroundthelivingroom―alive,but snoring.Cooperhadthecouchandtheboyspepperedtheflooraroundit.

  IassumedthatPeytaandJaytookCooper'sroom,unsureastowhetheror notSeanandIwouldbereturning.

  IfellasleepthesecondIhitmybed,bloodyclothesandall,which surelyamusedSeantonoend.HeknewI'dbeenfullofitbackathis place,andIgavehimalltheammunitionnecessarytoneverletmeliveit down.Myhopewasthathecrashedjustasquickly.

  Sleepmayhavecomeeasily,butitdidn'tstaylong.Iwokeupwith anuneasyfeelinginmystomachthatIjustcouldn'tstifle.Idecidedto haveashowerandcleanofftheremindersofwhathadhappened,thentry togotobedagain.Iwasruiningmygoodsheets.

  Fiveminuteslater,Iemergedfromthebathroom―cleanclothes, wethair,andall.Isneakeddownthehalltomyroomasquietlyastheold woodenfloorwouldallowandcreptintobed,notwantingtowakeSean, whowassleepingpeacefully.Ilovedseeinghimthatway.

  JustasIwasdriftingoff,Ifelthimthere,hoveringovermysideof thebedstaringdownatme.Inthelightofthemoon,Icouldseethrough Matty'sformtothedresserdirectlybehindhim.GiventhatPeytawas mostlikelyintheroomnexttous,Iknewitwasn'tagoodsign.

  Theexpressionheworedidn’thelpmatters.

  Hewenttospeak,butIshushedhimquicklywithanindexfingerto mymouth.Seanwasstillsleepingsoundlybesideme,andIdidn'tdare wakehim.IsignaledforMattytoheadoutoftheroombeforeI precariouslywormedmywayoutfromunderSean’sarm.Myapartment waschilly,butIdidn’twanttomakearuckussearchingmyroomfor somethingwarmtoputon,soIslippedoutoftheroominmytanktopand underwear.

  Tiptoeingmywaydownthehall,Irealizeditwouldtakeasmall miracletonotwakeanyoneelseinmyquestforprivacy.Alivingroom fullofwerewolves,albeitsleepingones,wasnotgoingtobeaneasy obstacletoovercome.Imanagedtomakeittothedoorwithoutincident, butjustasIshiftedmyweighttoreachfortheknob,thefloorletouta groanandAlistairstirrednexttothearmchairhewaspassedoutbeside.I heldmybreath,waitingtoseeifmyplanwasfoiledbeforeitwasevenin play.Luckily,hewriggledaroundforamomentbeforesettlingback downintohisdeepslumber.

  Withasilentsigh,Imadeitouttheapartmentdoorandfounda verytransparentMattywaitingformeonthelanding.Icarefullywalked aroundhim—thoughIcouldeasilyhavegonerightthroughhim—and continuedontowardthestudioupstairs,tryingdesperatelytokeepthe growingconcernfrommyface.Theamounthisheldwasmorethan enoughforthebothofus.

  Theinstantweenteredthethirdfloorspacehestartedinonme.

  “Something’swrong,Ruby,”hesaid,hisvoiceweakanddistant.

  Myheartsankinstantly—hewasfading,justasPeytahadwarned.

  Iinstinctivelyreachedforhim,butwasmetwithnothingbutcold airwhenmyhandpassedthroughhimeffortlessly.Myraggedbreath caughtinmythroatasittightened.Iwasnotreadyforthisinevitability.

  “WhatdoIdo?”heasked,eyespleading.Ihadnothinghelpfulto offer.

  “MaybeIshouldgetPeyta,”Iwhispered,staringathimblankly whilemyeyesstungwiththewellingtears.

  “Don’tgo!”hecalledout,reachingforme.

  “Ican’thelpyou.”Ichokedonthewordsastheyleftmymouth.

  HadIeverdoneanythingtohelpMatty,ordidIonlycausehimgreater amountsofpain?“I’mgoingtogowakeher.She’llknowwhattodo.”

  “I’mfading,aren’tI?”heasked,attemptingtoregaincomposure.

  “Wedon’tknowthat,”Ireplied.Ihadtoturnawayfromhimsohe wouldn’tseethetearescapedownmycheek.

  “You doknow.Tellme.Now!”

  “Ican’t.”

  “You can, ”hedemanded,flashinginfrontofme.“Tellme!”

  “YES!”Iscreamed.“You’refading.It’sexactlyasPeytadescribed it.ButI’mnotready.I'mnotreadytoloseyouagain.Ijustgotyou back!”

  Somuchformyattemptstonotwakeanyone.Iwasinfull-onfreak-outmode.Iknewitwouldonlybemomentsbeforewewerejoinedby everyonedownstairs.

  “Sothisisgoodbyethistime?Forreal?”

  Icouldn’tforcetheword'yes'outofmymouth,eventhoughIknew itwastrue.

  BeforeIcouldofferaplacatingresponseofanysort,astampedeof supernaturalscamebarrelingthroughthedoor,withSeanandCooper leadingthepack.Onelookatthetwoofusstoppedthemallintheir tracks,likethey'djustwalkedinonthemostintimateofmoments.

  Theysortofhad.

  “Oh,Matty,”Peytawhispered,hereyesfullofpity.Shecouldn’t bringherselftosaywhatIchosenottoacknowledge.Itwasthelasttime we'deverseehimagain.

  37

  Westoodintheroom,staringateachothersilently.I’dalreadylosthim once—thethoughtofdoingitagainwasbeyondcomprehension.Iprayed forawaytokeephim,butevenI,inallmydenial,couldnotignorethe growingwhitemistthatcrepttowardhimfromthefarmirrors.The pearlescentglowwasoneIknewwell.I'dseenitbefore.

  “It’stime,”Peytawhisperedfromsomewhereintheroom.Iwastoo preoccupiedtocare.

  “Itwouldmakethissomucheasierifyouweren’tlookingatme likethiswasgoingtocrushyou,Ruby,”Mattydeclaredwithawansmile.

  Ifonlyhe’dknownhowtruehiswordswere.

  Hestolealookoverhisshoulderattheinvitingwhitecloudthat beckonedhimhome.Iglaredatitwithahatredsocoldthatmywhole bodynumbed.IfI'dknownhowtofightGodhimself,Iwouldhave challengedhimwithoutpause.Mattyneverdeservedthehandhewas dealt,andIwantedmorethananythingtokeephimfromhisfate.Hemay havebelievedthatheavenwasbetterthananythingearthhadtooffer,but Ilackedhisfaithandwasfartooselfishtocareevenifhewasright.

  Headvancedtowardshisnewhome,andIreflexivelydoveafter him.

  “Youcan’tgo,Ruby,”hesaid,holdingmeatbaywithhis expression.“It’sokay.I'llbeallright.”

  “Matty,”Iwhispered,unabletofightbackmytears.

  “I’mnotleavingyou,Ruby.Nobodycan.Wheneveryoudance,I’ll berighttherewithyou.”

  Andwiththat,hewasgone.

  Istormedtheclearingmist,crashingintothemirror,screaminghis namerepeatedly.Forthebriefestmoment,Isawhisimagelookingback atmefromwithinit,butitfadedfast.Muchtoofast.Myfingertips pressedthecoldglass,trailingoh-soslowlydown,unwillinglygivingup theirfighttoclaimhimfromwherehe'dgone.

  Ifeltnothing.

  Ineededtofeel something.

  Myfistsslammedthereflectivesurfacethathadstolenmyfriend.

  Overandoveragain,Ipoundedituntilglassshardsandbloodrained downaroundme.Painshotthroughmyarms,fillingtheemptinessthat Matty'sdeathhadleft.

  Itwasastart.

  AsIpummeledthewallbeforemeuntilmyknuckleswerebroken andmangled,Ifeltanarmencirclemywaist,pullingmeawayfrommy therapy.

  “NO!”Iscreamed,flailingagainstmycaptor.

  “Ruby,stop,”Seanwhispered,tryingtopinmyarmsdownwithhis.

  Istruggledagainsthim,mybloodboilingwithrage.Out—Ihadto getitout,andhewasdenyingmetheonlyoutletthatI'dfoundcomfort in.Whilehespokelowandsoothingwords,IthoughtIwouldexplode, andcontinuedtofightinvaintoescapetheconfinesofhisgrasp.

  Finally,withmyfrustrationhittingafeverpitch,Iscreamed.An unholysoundthatthreatenedtooverwhelmtheveryfiberofmybeing vibratedoutofmybody,releasingtheevilIfelt.Istrainedhardagainst Sean,bendingawayfromhim,curlingoverhisarmsasthesound continuedtopurgeitself.Itseemedt
olastforever.

  Onceitended,mylegsgavewayandIcrumpledinSean’shold.My bodywasweak—myangergone.Butinsteadoftheemptinessreturning, asadnesssopenetratingimpaledmyheart,stoppingitshort.Ididn'tcare.

  CaringtookenergyInolongerhad.

  Heloweredmedowncarefully,curlinghisbodyaroundmine protectivelyuntilwekneltonthefloortogether.We'dbeeninasimilar situationayearearlier,onlythattimewewerefacetoface.Thistime, Seanengulfedmefrombehind,whisperingunintelligiblewordsinmyear soothingly.

  “He’sgone,Ruby,”hesaid,finallyreachingmybarelycoherent mind.“ButIamnot.Iamherewithyounow,andIwillbewithyouuntil theendoftime.Youmayfallapart,butIwill alwayspickupthepieces.

  Thereisnothingthatcankeepyoufromme.”

  Iturnedbeneathhimtoseehisface.Hiseyesburnedbrightly, thoughframedbyapainedexpression.“YouandIarebeyondthisworld, Ruby.Beyondlove.”

  “Willitstop?”Iasked,stillbarelyabletobreathe.“Thepain?Will itstop?”

  Hepressedhislipstightlytogetherinasympatheticgesture, pushingastrandofloosehairoutofmyface.

  “No.Itwon’t,”hesaidsoftly.“Butitwillsubside.Youhaveto learntocoexistwithpain,Ruby.It’snotblackandwhite.Notawaryou canwin.Ifyoukeeptryingtodefeatit,itwillerodeyouinsideuntil you'renothingbutashellofthepersonyouoncewere.Letmehelpyou.”

  Thestakethatimpaledmewastornout,releasingmyheart—

  releasingmyemotions.Isobbed,unabletocontainthesadness,nolonger abletocontrolthethingsIlongedtohideawayandignore.Ifellforward butSeanwasthere,catchingmebeforeIslammedtothefloor,scooping meupinhisarmswithease.

  Heturnedtomakehiswaytotheexit,andIwasremindedthatwe werenotalone.Awallofsadfacesmetmine,someshowingthesignsof theirownemotionaloutbursts.Icouldn'tenduretheirstares,soIshifted inSean’sarms,clingingtohimlikeachild.Withmyfaceburieddeepin hisneck,Inolongerhadtofacethem,butIdidhavetocontendwiththeir sorrowfulenergiesinvadingmine.Seanwhiskedmeoutoftherequickly, asifheknewwhattheirpainandsympathywasdoingtome.Wewere downstairsinsecondsandtuckedawayinmybedroom,blockingoffthe majorityoftheassault.

  Hesoothedmetosleep,mutteringinalanguageIcouldn't understandanddidn'tneedto.Hislovewasapparentregardless.Withme clutchedinhisarms,Ieventuallyfellasleep,andforonce,thenightmares stayedaway.

  38

  Iawoketoacacophonyofsoundinmylivingroom.WhenIsawthatit wasonly7:17a.m.,Isprangoutofbedtoseewhatwasgoingon.Alone inmyroom,Igrabbedabathrobetocoverupwithandstormedoutinto thehallwaytofindthesourceoftheruckus.Iwasn'tatallpreparedfor whatIsaw.

  Thenewbieswereplayingsoccerwithatennisball,bankingitoffof thewalls,thefurniture,andanyothersurfacetheyfoundbeneficialto theirgame.Peytasatonthecouch,constantlyduckingtheflyingobject whileJayhoveredbythefrontdoor,tryingnottolaughandfailing miserablyatit.

  AsImovedfurtherdownthehall,Isawthemostdistressingsight ofall.CooperandSeanwereinthekitchen―together―attemptingto makebreakfast,allwhilehavingtheirusualpowerstruggle.They bickeredbackandforthaboutwhoshouldbedoingwhatandhowand where;Ineverknewtherecouldbesomuchtodebateaboutfryingeggs.

  Withallthecommotion,nobodyseemedtonoticemypresence,soI leanedagainstthehallwaywallandsoakedinallthecraziness.Thatwas tobemynewlife,anditstrangelymademesmile.Perhapsmydefinition offamilywasn'ttextbookperfect,butasIsilentlywatchedthemall creatingchaosandshenanigansinmyapartment,Iwasgladitwasn't.

  MaybeMerriam-Websterdidn'tknowshit.

  Epilogue

  Weekswentbywithoutanydrama.

  JayandSeanspentafairamountoftimetravelingbackandforthto theUK,tryingtosearchforwhoeverwasresponsibleforthetechnology thathadnearlyledtomydemise―ordid,dependingonhowyoulooked atit.Theireffortsturnedupnothingmorethandeadendsandmissing packmembers.Unfortunately,theyweredeadtoo.

  Theboyswereacclimatingtotheirnewhomewell,allthings considered.Afteralotofthought,Idecidedtoremodelmydanceloft intoanapartmentforthem,eventhoughtheyinsistedthatthe accommodationswerefine.Cooperhadwantedtofindthemaplacein town,butIshutthatdown.Icouldfeelthat,foronce,theyfeltlikethey trulybelongedsomewhere,andIjustcouldn'tbringmyselftoforcethem outontheirown.CoopergotonboardwithmyideaafterIpointedout that hestilllivedwithmeforthatveryreason.Itfeltgoodtobe constantlyaroundpeoplewholovedyou.

  Theboysmayhavebeensettlinginwell,butScarletwasnot.She andIwerelefttoonceagaintrytonavigateourmendingrelationship, anditwasnotgoingsmoothly.Sherarelyspoketomeandwanted nothingtodowithcomingout.Shemayhavebeenback,butshewasn't backtonormal.

  Sean'shostilitytowardherdidn'tseemtohelpmattersmuch.I guessifIhadknownthathisdark-eyedpersonawaswaitingtogrillme,I wouldn'thavebeentooexcitedaboutshowingmyselfeither.Ineededto knowwhathappenedwhileshewaslooseandIwascaged,sothatif anythingrequiredcleaningup,itcouldbedonesoonerratherthanlater.

  Sheappearedtopreferthelateroption―much,muchlaterattheratewe weregoing.

  OnerelationshipthatwasdoingwellwasPeyta’sandJay's.They weremoreinlovethanever,andIhadthedistinctpleasureofhearing aboutitconstantlyattheshop.Ifshewasn'tgushingaboutJay,shewas ramblingonabouthowchangedhermotherwassincesheandMalcolm hadstarteddating.Ronnieevenputherfirearmsaway.AshappyasIwas thatPeytaenjoyedthisnewsideofhermother,Icouldn'thelpbutbe leeryofit.Iwantedtocheckherfordogtagsjusttobesurehermind wasn'tbeingcontrolledtoo.Somehow,Iknewthegesturewouldn'thave beenappreciated.

  Peytadidmentionthathermotherwasinquiringalotmoreabout Jay―hishistory,hisrelationshiptotheothersinhispack,andother pointedquestionsthathadmeabitunsettled.EventhoughRonniehad softened,Iknewshehadn'tchangedovernight.Shewasshrewdand mildlyparanoid,adeadlycombinationforsure.Iwasworriedthatshe wasontosomethingaboutthePCorhadfinallyseenenoughofPeytain actiontotrulystarttowonderwhyshe'dneverheardofsomethinglike herbefore.RonnieknewmoreaboutwerewolvesandpacklifethanIdid.

  Happyandinloveornot,shewasn'tgoingtokeepbuyingourcoverstory forever.

  Fromcoverstoriestocover-ups,theMcGurneymysterystill remainedunsolved.Knowingthatsomethingwasoffaboutthemurder, Alaninsistedoninvestigating,withorwithoutmyhelp,buthestartedto respecttheboundariesthatheandIhadtooperateunder.Hestarted treatingmemorelikethedaysofold,butclearlyhadreservations, especiallywhenitcametomebeingaroundhisfamily.Aftereverything thathadhappened,itwasunderstandable,butIfeltlikeheknewthat, whenitwasallsaidanddone,Iwasonhisside.Iwantedtoknowwhat hadhappenedtoMcGurneytoo―onlyforverydifferentreasons.

  Weneverseemedtofindagoodtimetodiscusstheletterhehad attemptedtoshowmeatmyapartment.Wheneverwethoughtthecoast wasclear,Kristywouldshowupandwewouldbeforcedtocurtailour discussion.Itwasn'tamatterhewantedtodiscussoverthephoneorat theprecinct,andcomingtomyplacewasoutofthequestion,soour optionswerelimited.Astimewenton,sheseemedtomakeitharderand harderforustobealone,butthebottomlinewasthatIwasgoingtosee whatwasonthatpaper―beforeanyoneelsedid.

  AsmuchasIwantedmylifetostaydrama-free,Iwasahardcore realist.Knowingthatchaoswasaninevitability,Inervouslywaitedfor theothershoetodrop.Eventually,thatdropcameintheformofabizarre dreamIhadnotlongaftertheTobiasshowdown.Seanhadjustcome backfromtheUKforthatlasttimeandwe'djustspentana
mazingnight together.ApparentlyitwasalittletooamazingfortheUniverse'sliking.

  Inthemiddleofthenight,Ishotupinbed,startlingSeanawake besideme.HeimmediatelydrilledmewithquestionswhileItriedto wrapmyheadaroundwhatI'djustheardinmysleep.Ihadbecome accustomedto seeingthingsthatjarredmefrommyslumber.Iwasn't usedtoonlyhearingthem.

  Sean'smothersoundedpositivelyfrightened.

  Shesaidonlyonething―awarning.“Hemustfindherfirst―the Unbornone.Sheissafenolonger.Iftheyfindherfirst,shewilldie.”

  Thenshedisappeared.

  WhenItoldSeanwhatshesaid,heseemedjustasconfusedasIdid.

  Whowasthismystery she,andwhydidSeanhavetofindher?Ihoped thathismotherwouldreturntomeagainandexpandonherenigmatic message,butsheneverdid―Ineverheardfromheragain.SoSeanandI wereleftwithasenseofurgencyforsomepersonwhomneitherofus knewhowtofind.Scarletwasnohelpeither.Seanhadyetanother mysterytosolvewithnoleads,noclues,andapotentiallyfataloutcome fortheonehesought,thoughforonce,thatdeathwouldnotbebyhis hands.

  ThentherewasGavin.

  Itdidn'tseemtomatterhowmuchtimeIspentaroundhimover thoseweeksorhowmanycrypticconversationswehad,Ijustcouldn'tget arealreadonhim.Iknewhewasn'tgoingtohurtmedirectly,but somethingabouthimwasoff.Iconstantlyfeltthathehadanagenda,and thatsomehowIwasanimportantpieceofit.

  Iwasn'tafanoffeelinglikeapawn,nordidIlikethepotentialof actuallybeingone,butGavinhadanswers―answersIwanted―likewho thewomaninthephotowasandwhatterriblethingsSeanhaddoneinthe pasttomakeGavinloathehimlikehedid.Iwonderedifthosetwoissues didn'tsomehowgohandinhand.Iwantedthetruthatanycost,butIstill wasn'twillingtoriskaskingSean,playingrightintoGavin'sdeviously craftedhand.Instead,Iwasdeterminedtofindawaytodragitoutofthe Chameleondirectly.MybiggestfearwasthatonceIgotitout,I'd immediatelywanttoputitbackin.