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  11

  Withpreciouslittlesleep,Iawokethenextmorningonlytohavetodrag myassdowntotheshopandwork.Itwouldbemyfirstofficialdayback sinceScarletwentAWOLwithmeweeksearlier;Iwasnervous,but excitedallthesame.ItmeantspendingtimewithPeyta,whichpromised tobeadouble-edgedsword,butsheneededmyhelp.Iwantedtobethere tosupportherlikeshe'dalwayssupportedme.

  AsImadeamovetoslipoutofbed,alargeandmusculararm wounditswayaroundmywaist,pinningmedownsoitsownercould gingerlynibbleonmyear.Mypulseracedinstantly.

  “Sean,Ihavetogetreadytoopentheshop.”

  “Andyouwill,”hereplied,workinghiswaydownmyneck.“Ina minute.”

  “Nope,”Iretorted,wigglingmywayfree.“Ihaveabusinesstorun, andyoustillhaveamysterytosolve,don'tyou?Whatareyougoingto doaboutwhatAlistairtolduslastnight?"

  Hetensedslightlybeforeanswering.

  “I'vegotsomeoneonaplanetheretoday.”

  “Who?”

  “Jay,”herepliedafteraslighthesitation.

  “Oh...”ItwasallIcouldmusterinresponse.

  “He'llbefine,Ruby.He'safarbettersoldierthanyou―oreven he―wouldevergivehimcreditfor."

  “It'snotthat,”Ihedged,notwantingtospillbeansthatweren'tmine tospill.“It'sjust...well,it'sPeyta.She'snotdoingwellrightnow,andI don'tthinkit'llbegoodforhertoknowthatJayisinharm'swayagain."

  Hesighed.

  “Thisistheworldshelivesinnow,Ruby.Ican'tchangethat.”

  “Iknow,butsheisn'tdealingwellwithit,”Iadded.“PuttingJayin dangerisn'tgoingtohelpthat."

  “Ruby,theywillhavetoworkthroughthesethingsaswehave.He loveshermorethanIcanputintowords,”hesaid,gettingupoutofthe bed.Istaredatthesweatpantshangingdangerouslylowonhiships."He loveshernearlyasmuchasIloveyou.They'llsortitout,I'mcertainof it.Andhe canhandlethismission.Hehidhisabilitiestoleadforeons becauseofJer.He'snothidingthemanymore.Youshouldfeelsorryfor whoeverisacrossthepondsellingthosewolvesoff.They'reabouttobe inaworldofhurt,notJay."

  “Okay,”Isaid,forcingasmile.Hehuggedmeinresponseand kissedthetopofmyheadfirmly,lettingmeknowitwasgoingtobeall right.

  “He'llonlybegoneforawhile,whichmeansI'llfinallyhavemy placetomyselfagain.”

  “What?Whatdoyoumean?”

  “Jay'sbeenstayingintownwhileIwasgone―whileIwasout searchingforyouandtryingtofindwhokilledMcGurney."

  “So,theothernightwhenyouhunguponCooper...?”

  “IwasinVirginia.”

  “Thatwasn'tyouinyourapartment?”

  “No.Why?”

  Ifeltarushofbloodfloodmycheeks.

  “I...Ithoughtitwasyou.YouwalkedawayfromthewindowwhenI lookedupatyou.Ithoughtyoudidn'twanttoseeme."

  “Jaywasthere,Ruby.Notme,”herepliedsoftly.“Iwantedtosee you.”

  “ButyouhunguponCooper―”

  “Becausehecalledataverybadtime.Ididn'thavetimetotalk.”

  “Whydidn'tyoucallback?Ithoughtyouhatedme,”Iwhispered, avertingmygaze.

  “Doyoustillthinkthatnow?”heasked,pullingmetightlyagainst him.

  “Well,no,but―”

  “IdidnotwanttotalktoyouonthephonebecauseIwantedtodoit inperson,”hesaidwithastraininhisvoice."Iknewthatyouwouldbeat Matty'sfuneral.PleaseunderstandthatasfuriousasIwaswithScarlet,I nevermeantyouharm.Watchingherdisappearthroughthatdoor, knowingthatsheheldyouprisoner―itnearlydrovememad.Ispentday andnightsearchingforhertonoavail.Icanassureyou,Ruby,ifshehad beenanywhereonthefaceofthisearth,Iwouldhavefoundher.

  Eventually,Ithoughtthatperhapsyoubothdidnotwishtobefound,and therewerethingsthatIhadneglectedthatIcouldnotanylonger.Duty called.Dutyalwaysseemstocall.”Hisvoicewassadasheutteredhis finalthought.

  “Iwouldneverhavechosentoleaveyou,”Isaid,squeezinghim tightly.“ButIcan'ttellyouhowhappyitmakesmetoknowthatyou neverheldwhathappenedagainstme."

  “Never.”

  Ismiled.

  “Well,I'm supergladwejustclearedthatmessup,”Ijoked,pulling awayfromhim.

  “Agreed,”hereplieddrylywithadevilishgrinonhisface.“Now,as muchasIwouldlovetoshowyoujusthowhappyitmakesme,Ican't.

  Youshouldgocleanupforwork.I'vegotmatterstoattendto.I'm assumingthatCooperwillbekeepinganeyeonyournewroommatesto ensuretheirgoodbehavior."Histonewassoftbutwarning.Hestilldidn't trustthenewbies.“IthinkI'llhaveoneoftheboysstickaroundtokeep aneyeonyouandPeyta...forgoodmeasure.”

  “Soundslikeaplantome.I'msureIcantalkCooperintoit,butI'm goingtoowehimbigtime,”Iinformedhim,tossinganoff-the-shoulder long-sleevetopon."I'mgoingtohavetogivehimthecarifIkeepitup.”

  “Hecanhavethecar,justnotyou.”

  “Oh,I'mhisandheknowsit,”Isaidinmockingtone.“Nowthat we'vestraightenedoutthathe'smyalpha,I'llneverheartheendofit!He lovesachancetobossmearound.”

  “Don'tweall,”Seansaid,lookingatmethroughhoodedeyes.Those eyesweredangerousanddestinedtomakemelate.

  “Okay,well,I'mgonnajet,”ItoldhimasIwiggledintomyskinny jeans.“WhenamIgoingtoseeyou?"

  “Soon,”hemurmured.“Verysoon.”

  Iwalkedovertohimtogivehimaquickkissbeforerunningdown thehalltothekitchen.

  “That'ssuperhelpful,thanks,”Iyelledovermyshoulder.

  “Iaimtoplease,”hecalledafterme,followingmeoutoftheroom.

  Igrabbedawaterbottleandbananaoffthecounterthenmademy waytothefrontdoor.

  “Callme,”Iordered,turningtofacethemysteriousmaninmylife.

  “Andhowwillyouanswer?”heasked,flippingmyphoneoverand overinhishand.

  “Please.Likeyoucouldn'tfigureoutaway.”

  “Whereyou'reconcerned,Ruby,I'll alwaysfindaway.”

  *

  ThebellsjingledwhenPeytawalkedthroughthestoreentrance.

  Theyweremusictomyears.Iwasbusyinthebackworkroomwhenshe camein,tryingtoseeifanythingneededmyattentionwhileadmiring Peyta'strulyaward-winningorganizationalskills.LikePavlov'sdog,I quicklymademywayoutfronttogreether.

  “HeyP,”IcalledoutwhenIwalkedthroughtheopendoor.

  “Ibroughtyouacoffeefromtheplacedownthestreetthatyou love,”shesaid,walkingtowardme.“AndIgotyouoneofthosepastry thingstoo.Youlookskinny.Theywereoutofchocolatebut―”Her wordscutoffsuddenly,asthoughsomeoutsideforcehadpressedpause, freezingherinplace.Hereyesglazedwhiletheywidened,staringjust beyondme.

  “Peyta?Peyta,what’swrong?”Iasked,myconcernever-growing.

  “Didsomethinghappen?Youlooklikeyou'veseena…”

  12

  “Ghost. ”

  Myspinechilledasthatsinglewordnarrowlymadeitswayoutof mymouth.Afamiliarbutunwelcomesensationwashedoverme.Ihad hopedtoneverfeelitagain.

  “Ruby,”Peytacalled,stillunabletopullhereyesawayfrom whateverstalkedmefrombehind.I,however,seemedunabletoforce myselftoturnaroundandfaceitatall.

  MyabdominalscarburnedasifthememoryofGregory’sattack wasphysiologicallyetchedintoit,andIprayedthatIwasn'tinfora repeatperformance.BythelookonPeyta’sface,shewasn’tupfora roundtwoeither.Whenhereyesfinallymetmine,theywerefilledwith fear.BeforeIcoulddoanythingtocalmher,Ifeltthefaintestbrushof somethingagainstmyhair.

  Ihadnoi
ntentionofstayingaroundtoseewhatelsehecouldtouch.

  “Run,”ImouthedtoPeyta,barelymakingasound.Shedidn’t hesitate,andneitherdidI.Dartingfortheentrance,shehadthedoor rippedopenonlymomentsafterIroundedthecountertojoinher.So muchfornomorerunning,thoughIfeltthatinstancewarrantedan exceptiontotherule.

  Iturnedtoslamthedoorbehindme,butwhatIsawlookingbackat mehaltedmyprogress.HisbodyfadedminutelywitheverystridePeyta tookdownthestreet,buthisfacewasunmistakable.Theexpressionit worewastoo―theperfectmixofsadnessandconfusion.I’dseenitonce beforethroughScarlet’seyes.

  “PEYTA!”Iscreamedatherjustbeforeshecouldroundthecorner attheendoftheblock.“Comeback! Now!”

  Withhesitation,thetinybrunettejoggedbacktowardme.I franticallylookedfromhertotheghostinmystore,watchingashisform solidifiedlittlebylittlewithherapproach.Whenshewasonlyyards away,Icautiouslyreenteredtheshop.Myhandsshook—tremorsgrowing

  —asIapproachedhim.Hisexpressionremainedunchanged.

  Iwassurprisedheworeoneatall,giventhatthelasttimeI’dseen himhedidn’thaveahead.

  “Matty?”Icalled,myvoicecrackingasmythroattightened violently.Tearsrolledfreelydownmyface;Ibarelyfeltthem.Disbelief coursedtoostronglythroughmybodyandoffofhistofeelanythingelse.

  “Youcanseeme,”hewhispered,slowlybringinghishandsbefore hisfacetoinvestigatetheirsolidity.

  “Yes,”Peytarepliedfrombehindme.“Webothcan.”

  Hisattentiondriftedtoherasshecametostandbesideme.Her demeanorhaddoneacompleteone-eightyfromwhatithadjustbeen.Her energywascalmlikeithadalwaysbeenwhenthesubjectoftheghosts cameup,thoughitwastingedwithahintofsorrowwhenshelookedat me.

  WhenshelookedatMatty,thatsorrowturnedtorage.

  “Ruby—”hestartedbeforePeytacuthimoff.

  “Youshouldn’tbehere,”shefumed,herragebuildingrapidly.“You needtoleave.”

  “Peyta!”Isnapped,grabbingherarm.

  “HenearlykilledJay,”sheyelled,turninghatefuleyesonme.“It’s timeforhimtogo...somewherefarawayand verywarm.”

  MattyandIbothvisiblycringedatherwords.Peytahadclearly foundanoutletforheremotionsfarsoonerthanI'dexpected,thoughI wasn’tcertainitwasgoingtobeanespeciallyhealthyone.

  “What?”heasked,tryingtomakesenseofwhatshehadsaid.He seemeddisorientedandconfused,withnoobviousrecollectionofthe eventPeytaspokeof.Ibrokeoutinacoldsweat.Wouldheremember whatScarletdid?

  “You,”Peytagrowledasshestalkedclosertohim,“youruined everything.Thisisallyourfault.”

  “Ruby?”heasked,hiswideeyespleadingforunderstanding.

  IclaspedahandaroundPeyta’sthinarmtokeepherfrom advancinganyfurther.ShewastooenragedtoseewhatIdid.Mattywas frightened.

  “It’sokay,Matty,”Isaidsoftly,walkingpastPeyta.“Youdon’t remember.That’sallright.Idon’tremembereverythingeither."

  “Areyou...?You’renot...?”hestarted,unabletofinishhisthoughts.

  “No,Matty,”Isaidasanotherroguetearworkeditswayloose.“I’m notdead.”

  Heclosedhiseyes,andIwatchedasthetensionlefthisbodywith onelargeexhale.Ofallthethingshehadtobeconcernedabout,mywell-beingwasfirstandforemostonhismind.Insteadofmakingmefeel better,Ifeltinfinitelyworse.IthoughtIwasgoingtobepotentially dealingwiththemindless,bloodthirstyroguewhohadnearlykilledSean, but,muchtothecontrary,IfoundmyselffacetofacewiththemanI thoughtI’dlostmonthsago.MyBoyScout.

  “ThankGod,”hewhisperedtohimself.

  “YouleaveGodoutofthis,”Peytasnipped,pickingupwhereshe leftoff.“Youwon’tbeseeinghimwhereyou’regoing."

  “Peyta,please,”Ibegged,turningmyblearyeyesonher.“Iknow you’reangry,but—”

  “Butwhat,Ruby?HemowedJaydownwithoutathoughtand woundedSeanprettybadlytoo.YouthinkIgiveashitabouthowhefeels rightnow?Idon't,andneithershouldyou.”

  “Peyta,it’snotthatsimple.”

  “Yes,Ruby,itreallyis.”Itwasherturntograbmebythearmand squeezefordearlife.Herbonyfingersdugpainfullyintomyfleshwhile hereyesboreholesintomyhead."Henearlytookfrommeeveryonethat hashelpedtokeepmegroundedinthissupernaturallife.Idon’tgivea fuckabouthim.Youshouldn'teither.”

  “Jayisalive,Peyta,andsoamI.”

  “Jaywon’tseemeanymore.Hemayaswellnotbealiveforallit countsnow.I’llneverseehimagain,andit’sallthankstohim,"shesaid, flinginganaccusatoryarminMatty’sdirection.

  “Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iasked,suddenlyfeelingthesame confusionMattywas.

  “Hewantsnothingtodowithme,”sherepliedwitheyesascoldand hardenedashermother’s.“Heneverevenbotheredtotellmewhy, thoughI'msureithasalottodowithmenearlyfailinghim—my completeinabilitytodothejobIwasborntodo.”

  “Thatcan’tberight,”Iargued,thinkingthatJayhadalwaysbeen thesolevoiceofreasonandperspectivewhenallotherswerelost."Did youaskhim?”

  “Whatabout‘hewantsnothingtodowithme’wasn’tclear,Ruby?

  Hehasn’tspokentomesinceIhealedhim.Hewon'tanswermytexts,my calls,andIhavenoideawhereheis,notthatitwouldmattermuch.I highlydoubthe’dbewillingtoseemeeither.”

  “Peyta,Idon'tknowwhattosay.”

  “There'snothingtosay,”shesaid,hervoicestillcold.“Iguess thingsmakealotmoresensetoyounowthough."Shesentmeaknowing glancethenpinnedhereyesbackonMatty.Shewasright;hercutting madeevenmoresenseafterknowingthatsheandJayweredone.

  “Matty,doyourememberwhathappenedthatnightatSean's?”I askedinanattempttoascertainexactlywhatherememberedfromthat fatefulnight.

  “Ican't...Idon'tknow.MyheadstartstopoundwheneverItrytoput thepiecestogether.”

  “LetmegiveyoutheCliff'sNotesversion,”Peytasneered.“Your crazyfuckingwolfchargedJayandnearlytorehisthroatoutbeforeyou wentonarampagewithSean,drivingknivesthesizeofmachetesinto eachofhismajorjointsandorgans."

  Hepressedhiseyesclosedasifhewastryingtohidefromher words,buthecouldn't,andeventuallyitwasapparentthatthefuzzyspots inhismemorybecamecrystalclear.

  “Youkilledme,”hewhispered,bringinghiseyesuptomeetmine.

  “Matty,I―”

  “Youdon'tneedtoexplainshittohim,”Peytaspat.“Infact,I'm prettyoverthiswholesituation.I'llseeyoutomorrow,Ruby.I'mout."

  Shesnatchedupherbelongingsandstormedthroughthedoor withoutanotherword.Iwashotonherheels.

  “Peyta,wait.Please,”Icalledatherasshemadeherwaytothe corneranddownthealley.Shemovedfastforsomeonewithlegsfar shorterthanmine.Pausingtoletmecatchup,Islammedintoawallof hostileenergyassoonasIdid.

  “No.Notthistime,Ruby.Thisistoomuch.”

  “I'mworriedaboutyou,P.Whydidn'tyoutellmeaboutJay earlier?”

  “Why?Itwouldn'tchangeanything.He'snotgoingtolistentoyou ifyoutrytosmooththingsover,which,bytheway,you'renotgoingto do,understandme?"

  “OfcourseIwon't,butweneedtotalkaboutthis.”

  “I'mallsetwithtalkingtoday.Itdoesn'thelpanyway.”

  “Oh,andyoursolutiondoes?Haveyoueventoldyourmotherabout thatyet?”Herglaretoldmeshehadn't."I'mnotlettingthisgo,Peyta.I loveyoutoomuchforthat.IswearthatI'llcallherrightnowunlessyou promisemethatyou'regoingtogotohershoprightnowandtellher.I'll becheckinginwithhertonighttobesurey
oudid.”

  Shesighedheavily,fightingbackhertears.

  “Fine.”

  “Peyta,pleaseunderstandthatregardlessofwhathappened,the Mattythat'sstandinginmyshoprightnow,he'snottheonethathurtJay.

  Heneverwouldhavedonesomethinglikethatuntilyourfatherinfected him.Mattydidn'tstandachance―hewasdestinedtobecomewhatmade him.Pleasedon'tholdthatagainsthim.”IchokedonmytearsthatI couldnolongerwithhold.“Inevergottosaygoodbyetohimproperly.

  Pleaseletmehavethat. Please.”

  Shetriedtoremainangryatme,butshewasaboveprojectingher hostility,andsoonherragepeteredouttosadness.Sadnessforher,for me,andmaybeeventheslightestbitforMatty.Thecalmafterthestorm alwaysaffordedtheperspectivethatcouldn'tbefoundinthemoment.

  “Okay,”shesighed,startingbackdownthealleytothemainroad.

  “ButI'mnotstaying.I'llhangoutjustlongenoughforyoutosay goodbye.That'sit."

  Mytearsrolledoffmycheeksfreely.Iwaselatedandhorrifiedby whatwasabouttohappen.I'dneverwantedsomethingmoreandlessat thesametime.

  Aswewalkeddownthestreet,Itookherhandinmineandgavea squeeze.TheminutetighteningIfeltinreturnmademesmilethroughthe pain.Weenteredthestoretogether,expectingtofindMattywherewe'd lefthim,buthewasn't.Wesearchedhighandlow,buttherealitywas plain.MattywasgoneandI'dmissedmychancetotellhimhowsorryI was.

  I’dmissedmychancetosaygoodbye.

  13

  “NO!”Iscreamed,slammingtheworkroomdoorshut.“Ihavetotellhim, P.Ijusthaveto.”

  “Don'tpanicyet,”shesaidinanunsuccessfulattempttocalmme down.“Itdoesn'tmeanhe's gone,gone.Hemayhavejustgone somewhereelseforawhile.”

  “Doyouthinkso?”Iasked,mydesperationplain.

  “Idon'tknow.Iwasn'tveryfocusedonwhatstatehewasin.Ididn't getareadonhowlonghehadbeforehe'llfade."

  “Fade?”

  “Youknow,”shesaid,tryingtourgemetoseetheobvious.“Cross over.”

  “Oh.”

  “Listen,I'msorryaboutthis.Iknowhewasyourfriend,butIcan't helpblaminghimforwhathappened,”shesaidapologetically."Inever knewthepersonyouclaimhewasbeforehetriedtokillJayandSeanand thendroveScarletaway.”