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“Shetriedtokillhim,”Isaidquietly,staringatmyhandsrestingin mylap.“ScarletnearlyletMattystabhimtodeath.Hetriedtogetherto killSean,whichshe,ofcourse,didn'tdointheend.ShekilledMatty instead.Thepainshefelt...Cooper...itwasunbearable,”Iwhispered.

  “Angry...shewasso,soangry.ShetoldSeanhewouldpayandranoff.

  Rightbeforeherescape,sheshutmeout.Afterthat,Ididn'tseeathing.”

  Hestaredatmeinutterdisbelief.Icouldn'tblamehim;itwasalot totakein.

  “IthoughtSeanwas...?HowdidScarlet...?Wait...howdidyouget back?”hestammered,barelyabletofinishhisthoughts.Ihesitated,not knowingwhatexactlytosaytoanyofhisquestions.Ireallyonlyknew theanswertoone.

  Sensingmyanxiety,hepulledmedowntolienexttohim,andI nestledinclose,stillrestingontopofthebedding.Hewrappedhislong, musculararmsaroundme,tuckingmeintothecrookofhisneck.My apprehensionleftmeinstantly.ThatwasthehomecomingIhadwanted.

  “Doyounotwanttotalkaboutthistonight?”heasked,strokingmy hairslowly.

  “It'sjustthatIdon'thavetheanswers,Coop.Icantellyouabit aboutthemenwhofoundme,butthat'sit.”

  “Thenstartthere.”

  “LikeIsaidbefore,Scarletleftmedeepinthewoods.WhenIcame to,Isawthemthroughthetrees,walkingtowardsme.Itwaslikethey knewI'dcometomysenses,likethey'dbeenfollowingmeforawhile, waitingformetosnapoutofit.Ofcourse,Ipanickedandtookoff running,butassoonasIheardthembehindme,Iknewwhattheywere.”

  “Werewolves...,”Coopersaid,hisgriponmetighteningeverso slightly.Iwonderedifhenoticed.

  “Exactly . Oneofthemtackledmefrombehind.Icrackedmyhead onalogandknockedmyselfout.Iwokeupadaylater.They'dbrought mebacktothecabinwheretheylived.Theypatchedmeup,treatingwhat theycould,andthentheyhelpedmegethome,”Isaid,hedgingslightly.

  “Tomy mate.”

  “Yourmate?But—”

  “Idon'tknowwhattheysensed,Coop,butthat'swhattheysaid.

  Theytreatedmewiththeutmostrespect.Theyneverlaidanunwanted fingeronmethewholetimeIwasaroundthem―barringthetackling incident,ofcourse,”Iexplained.“Therewassomethingabouttheway theysaidmate...itmademewonderifImighthavebeenintroubleifthey hadn'tsensedwhattheydid.”

  “Youmighthave,”Coopergrowled.“Andwhoexactlywerethese wolves?”

  “Idon'tknow.Theymusthavementionedtheirnames,butIdon't remember.”

  “Youdon'tremember?”

  “Hello,Ihadaheadinjury.Wasn'tthinkingclearly.”

  “You'reawalkingheadinjury,”hemocked,givingmeaplayful nudgeinanefforttocalmhisgrowingrage.“Sodoyouknow whereyou were?”

  “SomewhereupinMaine,theysaid.NeartheCanadianborder.

  Theysaidtheyhadbeentryingtotrackmeforawhile,buttheycouldn't catchme.Asfarastheyknew,IhadonlybeeninnorthernMainefora fewdays.Theyneversawmebeforethat.”

  “SoScarletwasonthemove?”

  “Iguess.”

  “Thatwouldexplainwhyitwassohardtofindyou.”

  “I'msorry,Coop.Iknowyoutried.IfIcouldhavestoppedher—”

  “Makemeadeal,okay?”heasked.“Nomoreapologizingtonight.I thinkitactuallymakesmeangrier.”

  “Fine.Consideritretractedthen,”Isaid,yawning.“I'mgoingtotry andsleepnow.”

  “Okay,Rubes,butIgottasaythatsomethingisn'taddingupwithall ofthis,”hesaid,adjustinghisarmundermyhead.“Imean...where's Scarlet?Shedidn'tcomeoutwhenyouwereinthewoods;shedidn't comeoutwhenIwasreadytoattackyou.She livesformomentslikethat.

  Whydidn'tshecomeouttohelpyou?”

  “Becauseshe'sgone,Cooper,”Iwhisperedinreply.

  “Gone?”heasked,hisdisbeliefapparent.

  “Yep.Gone,asinleftthebuilding.”

  “But you'rethebuilding.She'spartof you.”

  “Exactly.”

  “I'mnottryingtobethickhere,Ruby,butIdon'tgetit.”

  “Idon'teither,Coop,butmyguessisthatwhateverdarkenedspace sheshovedmedownintoisexactlywhereshe'sgone.Idon'thearher.I can'tfeelher.Andnoamountoffearoranxietyevencoaxesher,”I informedhim.“Somethingwentwrong,Cooper.Really,reallywrong.”

  “Youneedtotell—”

  “Don'tsayit. Pleasedon'tsayit,”Isaid,proppingmyselfuponmy arms.“It'sprettyplainthathewantsnothingtodowithme,andI certainlycan'tblamehimforthat.Tellinghimwon'tchangeanything.

  Notrightnow,anyway.”Ilaybackdown,cuttingofftheconversation beforemytrueemotionsspilledout.Sean'sdismissalhadbeenaknife throughmyheart.

  Cooperkissedmeonmyforeheadandpulledmeincloser.

  “Ifthat'swhatyouwant.I'llleaveitalonefornow.”

  Isaidnothing,butsnuggledintohimtightly.Iwasdonetalking aboutthingsIcouldn'tunderstand.Couldn'tchange.Couldn'tfix.I wantedtopressintothecomfortthatCooperprovidedanddreamthe pleasantdreamsthatalwayscamewhenIwasinhisnetofsafety.

  Cooperwas home.

  AndIwasgladtobethere.

  2

  "Iknowyou'reexhausted,Rubes,butyouneedtocallPeyta,"Coopersaid asheexpertlyscrambledeggs."Ican'tevenbegintodescribethestress she'sbeenfeeling.Firstthewholethingwithherdad,thenyou..."He pausedmid-stir,staringatthepaninhishand.

  "WhydoIfeellikethere'ssomethingelseyou'releavingoffthat list?"Iaskedwhilegingerlysippingmyorangejuice.Afterscarfing downthenoodlesthenightbefore,Ifeltterrible―mystomachwasn't adjustingwelltofood.

  Hesighedheavilybeforeturningtolookatme.

  "It'sJay."

  Myheartinstantlysank.Myattentionwasimmediatelybrought backtothescreamsI'dheardcomingfromthehallwayoutsideSean's apartmentthenightthatScarlettookover.Jayhadbeenoutthere, guardingthedoor.

  “Nooo...,”Iwhispered,eyessearchingCooper'sforanyshredof evidencethatwhatIfearedwasn'ttrue.AllIfoundinhisexpressionwas pain.

  “Itwasbad,Ruby,”hesaidsoberly.

  Icouldn'tlisten.Isprangfrommyseatandheadedstraightformy room.Ineededtofindmykeys.

  “Ruby!”Coopercalledtomeashepursuedmetomyroom.“Would youwaitasecond?”

  Hecaughtmyarmandwhirledmearoundtofacehim.

  “Thisismyfault,”Isaid,snifflingsoftly.

  “It'snotwhatyouthink,Rubes.He'snotdead,”hesaid,still grippingmyarm.“Seangottohimjustintime,apparently,andthentook himtoPeyta.FromwhatI'vemanagedtosurmise,Seanwasinpretty roughshapehimselfwhentheyarrivedatRonnie's.”

  “Peytahealedthem,”Imutteredundermybreath.

  Ifeltsick.Ifelltomyknees,andwhatlittlefoodI'dbeenableto keepdowncameupviolentlyalloverthehardwoodfloor.Iknewwhatit wasliketolookdownatsomeoneyoulovedandwatchwhiletheirlife slippedaway.LuckilyforJay,Peytawasn'tahelplessbystanderinthat situation.

  “Youneedtositdown,”Cooperordered,placingmeontheedgeof mybed.“I'lltakecareofthis.”Whilehewalkedoutofmyroomtofind whatevermaterialswerenecessarytocleanupthemessI'dmade,I wonderediftherewereenoughinexistencetoaddressthemetaphorical oneIwasin.

  Ilookeduptoseemyphonetauntingmefrommynightstand.“Go ahead...callher,”itseemedtosay.“Onecallwillfixeverything.”Thenit laughedatme—anevil,all-knowinglaugh.

  “Fuckyou,”Imuttered,staringitdown.

  “Fuck me?”Cooperthundered.Ihadn'tevenrealizedhe'dreturned.

  “IsthatthethanksIgetforcleaningupyourbreakfast?”
/>   “I'msorry,Coop,”Isaid,hedgingslightly.“Iwasn'ttalkingto you...”

  BeforeIcouldprocesswhy,heshotupquickly,grabbingmy shoulderstopullmeclosertohisface.Heglareddeepintomyeyes, searchingthemforsomething.

  “Scarlet?”hegrowled.“YouandIneedtochat.”

  Suddenly,hisactionsmadesense.IthadbeenawhilesinceScarlet andIhadhadoneofourlittlebackandforthbanters.Ididn'trealize whenIansweredhimwhatmyoutburstwouldimply.

  “No,Cooper.It'snother,”Isaidsoftly,tryingtocalmhim.His hazeleyesstartedtoglowwithahintofgold.Hewaspissedoff.Big time.“Thephone...Iwastalkingtothe phone.”

  Alookofconcernquicklybledthroughtheangerinhisexpression.

  ItwasapparentthathewasunsureofhowmentallysoundIwasinthat moment.Infairness,Ihadbeentalkingtoaninanimateobject.

  “Idon'tknowhowIcanfacePeyta,Coop,”IexplainedasItriedto coaxhimintosittingnexttome.“Howdoyousaysorryforbeingaparty totheneardeathofthemansheloves?”

  “Ruby,”hesaid,thewarmthreturningtohiseyes,“sheloves you, too.She'snevergivenmeeventheslightestindicationthatsheblames youforanyofthis.She'smissedyou.”Hefinallycametositnexttome, takingmyhandinhis.“She's mournedyou.”

  “ButI'mnotdead,”Iwhispered.

  “Iknow.Intruth,Idon'tthinksheeverbelievedyouwere,”hesaid, tuckingastraypieceofhairbehindmyear.“Youwouldhavebeenso proudofher,Ruby.Shewassobrave.Whenshelearnedthatyouhad disappearedthatnight,shecalledmerightaway.Sheaskedwhatwe neededtodotofindyou.Shehasbeenthedrivingforcebehindthestore, keepingitgoing.Allshetalkedaboutwashowweneededtohaveit runningsmoothlysoyouwouldn'thavetoworryaboutanythingwhen yougotback.”

  Ifeltatearescapemyeye,rollingslowlydownmycheekwhilehe continued.

  “Sheeventuallywentonasthoughyouwerejustoutoftown,about toreturnatanytime.That'swhenIstartedtoworryabouther—weall did.”Hisfacegrewhard,tryingtomaskthepainhefelt,butitdidn't matter;Ifelteveryounceofit.“Shetriedsohardtokeepuptheact,but whenshethoughtshewasalone,hertrueemotionscamethrough—she wasinadarkplaceinside.Shedidn'tthinkyouwerecomingback, Ruby...shejustneededto believeyouwere.”

  “Idon'tknowwhattosaytoher,Cooper.HowdoIexplain somethingthatIdon'tunderstandmyself?”

  “Youthinkyourreturnneedsanyexplanation?”heasked,looking utterlyperplexed.“Ruby,allthatkidwantstodoiswrapherarmsaround youandsqueezeuntiltheygonumbandsomebodyhastopryheroffof you.”

  Iwanteddesperatelytobelievehim,butsooftenIfoundmyselfon thewrongsideofexpectations.IfthattrendprovedtrueinthePeyta situation,Ineededtobementallypreparedforit.

  “Whatdayisit?”Iasked,mullingsomethingoverinmymind.

  “It'sSunday.Why?”

  “Willyoucomewithme?”Iasked,givinghishandasqueeze.“To Ronnie's...willyougo?”

  Hesqueezedmyhandinreturn.

  “Gogetcleanedup.I'lladdressyourregurgitatedbreakfastwhile youdo.Wecanleaveassoonasyou'reready.”

  “Thanks,Cooper,”Ireplied,wantingtosaymorethanIcouldbring myselfto.Wehadsoeasilyfallenbackintoourfriendship,andIwanted toacknowledgeit,butIknewmysentimentswouldsomehowbotchthe moment.

  IhopedthatPeytaandIwouldbeabletomendjustasquickly.

  *

  Thedriveprovedunbearablylong,yetpainfullyshort.Cooper guidedthecaralongthefamiliarroutewhileIfrettedawayinthe passengerseat.AsmuchasIwasdyingtoseePeyta,asmallpartofme wasterrifiedbythepotentialcomplicationsoftheencounterandwanted toavoidthematallcosts.IknewCooperwasspeakingtome,tryingto calmme,butIheardnothing.Thevoicesofdoubtinmyminddrowned outallothersound.

  WhenweturnedintoRonnie'sdriveway,Ifeltasthoughsomeone wassittingonmychest.Thepressurewasintense,nearlypiercingmy heart.

  “Didyoucallbeforeweleft?”Cooperasked,parkinginfrontofthe garage.

  “No,”Iwhispered.“Ithoughtitwouldn'tmatter.Besides...Ididn't knowwhattosay.”

  “Well,Iguessit’samootpointnow.Let'sgetthisoverwith,shall we?”Hepoppedopenhisdoorandgotoutofthecar.IstayedwhereI was.

  Hepausedpartwayupthepathtothehouse,lookingbacktoseeifI wascoming.HesighedheavilywhenherealizedIwasn'tfollowing.

  “Ruby,”hecalled,makinghiswaybacktothecar.“Youneedtoget outand―”

  Thefrontdooropenedabruptly,snappingourcollectiveattention backtothehouse.OutsteppedPeytawithanexpressionI'dneverseen herwear—disbelief.Notonce,inallthatshe'dbeenthrough,hadIseen

  'doesnotcompute'registeronherface.Thatday,Idid.

  Isprangfromthecarwithanimmediateneedtoholdher,butbythe timeImademywaytoCooper,sheworeaverydifferentfaceentirely.I didn'tlikeitonebit.I'dseenthatfacetoomanytimestocount,butnever onher.Stoicindifferencelookedallsortsofwrongonher,butsheworeit likeaveteran—hermother'sdaughterforsure.

  “Peyta?”IcalledtoherasCoopergrabbedmyarm.Itriedtopull awayfromhim,butheheldmefirmlywhereIwas.HefeltwhatI couldn'tfeelbecauseofmyownfear— anger.

  “Whendidyougetback?”sheasked.Hervoicewaseerily controlled.That'swhenIfirstfeltthehostilityrollingoffofherinwaves solargeIthoughttheywouldhavewashedmeawayifCooperhadn'theld mesteady.

  “Yesterday,”Cooperoffered.

  “Howdidyougetback?”sheasked,foldingherarms.

  “P,”Istarted,tryingyetagaintomovetowardher.Cooper'shold wasunyielding.

  “Whydidn'tyoucall?”

  “TherewassomuchtosortoutwhenIgotback,”Isaid,hesitating.

  Shewasright;Ishouldhavecalled.Afriendwouldhavecalled—so wouldasister.

  “Isee,”shereplied,hervoicecolderthanice.

  “You'reangry,”Isaid,tryingtoplacateher.

  “Iwouldhavecalled,”shesaidquietly.

  “I'msorry,Peyta.Ireallyam,”Ipleaded.“Pleaseletmeexplain.”

  “Idon'tneedanexplanation,”shesaid,turningbacktothedoor.

  “I'mgladyou'reback.”

  Shewalkedinsideandclosedthedoor,leavingCooperandme dumbfoundedinthedriveway.

  “Whatjusthappened?”Iaskedhim,lookingupforasigninhis expression.Ifoundnone.

  “Ihavenoidea.”

  “Ican'tleaveitlikethis,Coop,”Isaid,feelinghelpless.

  “Thenfixit,”herepliedwithoutanywordsofwisdom.“You'rethe onlyonewhocan.”

  IthoughtaboutthegirlIknew—thehappy,lovingsprite,whose powersofsarcasmrivaledmyown.Ithoughtaboutwhatshemeanttome andItoher.ThenIthoughtabouthowIwouldhavefeltifshe'dleft withoutatrace,withoutanyreasonableexplanation.HowwouldIhave dealtwithherabsence?Howexhaustingwouldithavebeentokeepupa façadeofoptimismwhileinsideIfeltpartofmysoulerodingslowly?

  Peytahadanuncannyabilitytomakesenseoutoftheinsensible becauseherviewoflifewasblackandwhite.Shadesofgraydidn'tmatter toheratall.WhenshehadlearnedwhatCooperandIwere,sheaccepted itwithoutasecondthoughtbecausesheknewusandlovedus.Thatwas whatmatteredtoher;whatweweredidnot.Sowhydidthe'why'matter somuchtoherinthatmoment?Iwashomeandthatwaswhatshe wanted.Thedetailswerejustshadesofgray—orwerethey?Something washoldingherback,anduntilIfiguredoutthewhybehindit,nothing wouldberightbetweenus.Ineededanepiphanyintheworstway.

  Instead,IgotRonnie.

  “Shetookyourdisappearancereallyhard,
Ruby.Youcan'texpect hertoshedthatarmoratthedropofahat,canyou?”sheasked,making herwaytotheedgeoftheporch.“I'veneverseenherthisbadbefore, though.Shewon'ttalktoanyofusaboutit.”

  Herfacelookedmoregrimthanever,whichspokevolumesgiven Ronnie'shistory.ShewasworriedaboutPeytatoo.

  “WhatshouldIdo?”Iasked,walkingupthepathtowardher.

  Cooperstayedbehind,whichwasfinewithme.Ineededtosolvethe problemwithoutexploitinghisrelationshipwithPeyta.

  “Explainwhyyoudidit.”

  “Shesaidshedidn'twanttohearit,”Ilamented.

  “Andyoubelieveher?”

  “Idon'tknowwhattobelieveanymore,Ronnie,”Isighed.“Ifeel likeeverythinghasflippedonitsasssinceI'vebeenback.Nothingisthe same.Nothing feelsright.”

  “That'sbecauseitisn't.Youofallpeopleshouldknowwhatitfeels liketolosesomeone.Itchangesyou.Shedidn'tjustlose you,”she started,chokingeversoslightlyonherwords.“Shelostherfathertoo.

  Herworldhasslowlybeencrumblingaroundher,Ruby.Her uncomplicatedviewonlifehasbecomesignificantlycomplicated.”

  “Ican'tfixthat,”Iwhispered,comingtostandbeforeRonnieatthe baseofthesteps.

  “No.Youcan't,”shesaidsoftly.“Butyoucanteachherhowto surviveitbetterthananyoneelseIknow.”

  Istoodmotionless,stunnedbyherwords.OfallthethingsI expectedtogetfromRonniewhenIreturned,anodofapprovalwasnot oneofthem.OnceIcollectedmyself,Istartedupthenarrowstairs, tryingnottogettooclosetoherasIpassed.ShecaughtmyarmwhenI stoodbesideher,haltingmyascentupthefinalstep.

  “It'sgoodtohaveyouback,”shesaid,staringawayfromme,across thestreet.Herwordsweresoftandgentleaswasherholdonmyarm.

  However,herexpressionwhensheturnedtomewasnot.“Don'teverpull astuntlikethatagain.”

  Alwaysblackandwhite .

  3

  Swallowinghard,Ipushedmywaythroughthefrontdoorandquickly mademywayupstairstoherbedroom.Iknewshe'dbethere;itwasher sanctuary.

  Justtellherthetruth.It'sallyouhavetodo...