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  Iknockedlightlyonthedoor,knowingthatshewasn'tgoingto answerme,soIturnedtheknobbeforeshecouldobject.

  “Peyta,”Icalledsoftly.“I'vegottogetthisout...”

  Iquicklyfoundmyselfstandingaloneinherroom,talkingto nothingbuttheTVthatwasstillon.Knowingshewasinthehouse,I startedtostormtheupstairs,throwingopendoorsinsearchofher.I wasn'tcertainastowhyafeelingofdistresstookmeover,butIjustknew somethingwaswrong.ThemoreIfocusedonit,themorepanickedIfelt.

  Frustration,helplessness,andshameovertookme,inexplicablyforcing metounderstandherreactiontomyhomecoming.

  Control...mustgetcontrol.

  Ithoughtandfeltthosesentimentsasiftheyweremyown,and that'swhenIknewwhereIwouldfindher.Thebathroomdoorremained closedatthefarendofthehall,andIchargeditlikeabullseeingred.I crashedthroughitwithathunderoussound,bustingthedoorwideopento ascenethatdisturbedmemorethananyI'deverseenbefore.

  Peytasatpantlessontheedgeofthetub,herbacktowardme, completelyunfazedbymyentrance.Iwatchedasshedrewherarmback fluidly,herhandglidingalongtheinsideofherthigh.Onlyoncethatpass wascompletedidIseetherazorshehelddelicatelyinherhand.

  “No,”Igasped,lungingforthesilverbladebeforeshecoulddoany furtherdamage.Shedidn'tevenfightmewhenIrippeditfromherhand.

  OnelookatherfaceandIknewIwhy—hertrance-likestatenearlymade myheartstopcold.

  “Itshouldhurt,shouldn'tit?”sheasked,staringeerilyatthetilein frontofher.Thewhitetubbelowherbledslowlytopink.“Butthedeeper Icut,thebetterIfeel.”

  “Why?”Iasked,usingthelastounceofbreathmylungspossessed toforcethewordout.

  Sheturnedherfacetowardsmesoslowlythatitwasanalmost inhumanaction—unnatural.

  “Iwassinking,”shesaidasIstaredintodull,emptyeyes.“This keptmefromdrowning.”

  “Peyta,”Iwhispered,crushingherinmyarmsbeforetheguiltcould overtakeme.“Ineverleftyou.Iwouldneverleaveyou...Ineedyouto understandthat.Doyouunderstandthat?”

  “Youallleft,”shesaidmatteroffactly.“Butit'sokay.Thismakes itokay.”

  “This,”Isaid,indicatingherbloodstainedandscarredthighs,“is notokay.Peyta...thisisn'tlikeyou.What'sgoingoninyourheadright now?Pleasetellme.I'mbeggingyou.You're scaringme.”

  “Itoldyou―Iwassinking.ThismademefeellikeIhadsome controloverthings,”sheexplained.Herfocuscamebackslowly, removingthefrighteningappearanceofsomeonewho'dbeentemporarily possessed."There'sjustsomuch...somuchIcan'tcontrol,”shecontinued, grabbingatowelfromthebarbesideherandpressingittoherleg.“First myfather,thenJay,thenyou.Itwastoomuch.Don'tyoueverfeellike it'stoomuch?”sheaskedinatonefartoocasualforthediscussionat hand.“Ifeltlikemybodywasgoingtoexplode,likeeverycellinitwas fightingwiththeonenexttoit.Ididn'tknowhowtoletthatemotionout.

  Everyoneexpectssomuchfromme.Icouldn'tverywellfallapart,could I?”

  Isaidnothing,onlystaredindisbeliefatherwords.Howcould someoneansweraquestionsoriddledwithdisturbingsubtext?

  “Everyoneneededmetobestrong,”shesaid,thefaintestofsmiles paintingherface.“AndIwas.Iwasthereforeveryone.Mymom, Cooper..."

  “Butwhywasnobodythereforyou,P?”Iasked,takingthetowel fromherhandsoIcouldinvestigatethedamage.“Whycouldn'tyoulean onanyone?”

  “That'snotmyrole,Ruby.”Shesaiditasthoughthatfactwas painfullyobvious.Itwasn'ttome.“Peoplehavealwaysexpecteda certainlevelofmaturityfromme,andthissituationwasnodifferent.In fact,itcalledformetobethebestI'deverbeen."

  “Whatchanged,Peyta?Atwhatpointdidthisallgosowrong?”I asked,beggingforanyshredoflightshecouldshedonwhenthingsgot sobadthatshehadresortedtomutilatingherself."Isthisthefirsttime you'vedonethis?”

  Judgingbythefadedsilvery-whitelinesonherotherthigh,it wasn't.

  Shesawwheremyeyeswerelockedandtriedweaklytoobscuremy viewofthem,butthedamagewasdone―Iknew.Itwasthefirsttimethat nightthattheshameofheractionsseepedthroughtothesurface.

  “Idon'tdoitoften,”shedefended,wrappingthetowelaroundher waist.“Maybeahandfuloftimestotal."

  “Doesyourmotherknow?”Iasked,shudderingatthethoughtof havingtotellher.

  “NO!”shescreamed,grabbingmywristssotightlythatmyhands startedtoturnpurple.“Youcan'ttellhereither."

  “Peyta,”Isighed,sittingdownbesideher.“Youcan'tkeepthisfrom her.She'sworriedaboutyou.Sheknowssomethingiswrong.”

  “It'sfine,Ruby,”shesnapped,movingawayfromme.Heranger hadreturned,andIknewthatwasn'tagoodsign.Ineededtofindawayto dissipatesomeofheremotionsoshewouldn'tfindherselfinthetub,only hourslater,dancingwithabladeagain.

  “Youwanttogetmad?”Iasked,myvoicerisingslightly.“Fine!

  Getmadatme.Takeeverythingoutonme.Ideserveit.Ileftyou, remember?Make mehurt.”

  “I'mnotmadatyou,”shesaid,forcingacomposedfront.

  “Bullshit!”Iyelledbeforeleaninginclosertoher.“Youmaythink you'refoolingeveryone,butyou'renot.Especiallynotme.You're furious atmeforleaving―forwhathappenedtoJay―becauseyouknowthat is myfaulttoo,right?I'mthereasonMattyattackedhim.Hell,I'm practicallythereasonyourfatherwaskilledtoo.Whydon'tyoutakethat outonme?Goahead,Peyta,"Ichallenged,stillupinherface.“Takethat outonme.”

  “Whyareyoudoingthis?”sheasked,herbottomlipquivering slightly.

  “BecauseIwantyoutochannelyourfuckingemotionsatsomeone otherthanyourself,”Iprodded,desperatelywantinghertoletsomething out― anything.“Youwanttocutsomeone?Whynotcutme?Whydon't youinflictsomepainonadeservingpartyforonce?”

  “Butyoudon'tdeserveit,”shestarted,steppingawayfromme.She lookedfrightened.

  “Idodeserveit,”Ishouted,pickinguptherazorandhandingitto her.“Doit!DOIT!”

  “Idon'twanttocutyou!”shescreamed,throwingherviceagainst thetiledwalloftheshower.Itricochetedwildlybackatus,causingmeto flinchslightlyasitfelltotheflooratmyfeet."Iwanttocut her! Iwant Scarlettopay!Iwantthatbitchtobleed.ShenearlykilledJay,”she screamedbeforecrashingtoherkneesonthefloor.“He...I...Icouldn't helphim.Hejustlaidthere.Seanbroughtmeacorpse― mycorpse,andI froze,justlikeIfrozewhenmymomwasdying.Whenyouweredying.I nearlylethimbleedtodeathinfrontofme.”

  Hersobscameheavybetweenherwords.Heremotionallevyhad broken,andthistimetears,notblood,flowedfreelythroughitscracks.

  “ForonceinmylifeIdidn'tfeelalone,likemypastwasfinally goingtostophauntingme,andthenBOOM,”sheyelled,slammingher fistintothewall,“everythingcrashesdownaroundme.Ican'ttakethis!”

  Icouldn’ttakeiteither.

  Theoverwhelmingsurgecrashedovermeandtookmybreathaway.

  Ifthoseweretheemotionsshe’dstruggledwithwhileIwasgone,thenI wasthankfulthatthecutsonherlegswereallshe’ddoneinmyabsence.

  TherealitythatImightnothavehadPeytatocomebacktoatalldid nothingtonormalizemybreathing.

  BeforeIcouldmakemyselfusefultoher,Cooperknockedonthe door,andwithoutawaitingthego-ahead,openeditimmediately.Peyta scrambledtocoverherselffullywiththetowelwhileIdidaquick assessmentofwhathewasabouttosee.Itlookedgrim.Thetubwasstill streakedwithtrailsofcrimson,thebladelyinginnocuouslyonthefloor nexttoit.

  “Everythingokayinhereladies?Iheardsomeshoutingand—�
��

  Hefrozeoncethedoorfullyunveiledthemacabresecretithadonly justmomentsbeforecontained.Iwatchedasthetenuousnatureofwhat hebeheldunmaskedhisexpression,disbeliefsettingin.Hestareddown atPeyta,whoscurriedmoretightlybehindmylegsforshelter,before lookinguptomeetmygaze.

  Inararemoment,wesharednowordsatall.Withasingleand deliberateshakeofmyhead,Isilentlyorderedhimoutoftheroom.He compliedwithoutquestion.Iwouldexplaineverythingtohimlater,asI alwaysdid,buthedidn’tneedthefullimpact.SeeingPeytainthatstate forasecondmorewouldhavegivenhimthat,andCooperwouldnever haveforgivenhimselffornotseeingherstrengthforwhatitwasatthe time—afaçadeofbraverytomaskherdarksecret.

  Withasigh,Imovedquicklytolockthebathroomdoorbeforeany moreunwantedvisitorscouldarrive,thenIcametositbyPeyta,whohad againperchedherselfonthesideofthetub.Sheshookviolentlywhile sheletoutyears’worthofemotionsinthetinybathroom.AllIcoulddo washoldherandrideoutthestorm.

  Icriedwithher,desperatelyneedingtoletoutsomeemotions myself.Differentpersonalitytypesdealtwithgriefandtraumain differentways.Someneededtotalktheirfeelingsthrough,somestuffed themdowndeepenoughthatonmostdaystheycouldfunctionasthough thefeelingsneverexisted.Others,likePeyta,heldacertainvolatilityat baywithonlytheweakestofsupports—addtoomanystressorstothepile andeverythingcollapsed.

  “She'sgone,”Iwhispered,leaningmyheadagainstheraswerocked togetherontheedgeofthetub.“Idon'tknowwhereScarletwent,but she'sgone.Ican'tfindher.IwishIhadmoreanswersforyou,P,I honestlydo,butIjustdon't.WhenScarletkilledMatty,something snappedinsideher.Shetookmehostageandranwildforthreeweeks, onlytoletmeoutatthemostinopportunemoment,”Iexplained,wishing Icouldtellhermore.“Ididn'tknowhowtobreakitalltoyou,butyou havetoknowthatIwantedtocallyourightaway.Iloveyou,Peyta.

  You'remyfamily.”

  “Ikeptthestoregoingforyou,”shesniffled,grippingmetighter.

  “Iknowyoudid,P.Coopertoldmeallaboutit.Hewassoproudof you. I'msoproudofyou,butI'mworriedtoo,”Isaid,pullingawayfrom herenoughtoseeherface.“I'veseenplentyinthispastyearthatscared me,butnothinghasscaredmemorethanwhatIjustsawyoudoinghere today.Ican'tletyoucontinuethis,andwhetherthatmeanstellingyour motherordraggingyoutosomeprogramsomewhere,I'lldoit.Nothing aboutthisisokay,Peyta.Youneedhelp.”

  “Iknow,”shewhispered.“Idon'twanttofeelthiswayanymore.”

  “We'llfixit,”Isaidsoftlybeforekissingherhead.“Together,we'll fixit.”

  4

  Ittookforevertogethome.

  AfterIhelpedcleanPeytaupandmadeitabundantlycleartoher thatsheneededtoconfronthermotheraboutherissueorIwasgoingto doitforher,Ilefthertoit.Iprayedthatshewould.Thatwasa conversationIwould sonotlookforwardtohavingwithRonnie.

  WhenIemergedfromthehouse,IsawCoopersittinginthecar, doorsclosed,engineoff.Hishandsgrippedthewheelasthoughhewas drivingwhilehisgazewasoffsomewhereinthedistance,unfocusedand unsettled.Hewasrattledtothecorebywhathe'dseen,justasIhadbeen.

  ItappearedthatIwasdealingwithitfarbetter.

  NothingchangedasIapproachedtheTTorwhenIwalkedinfront ofit.Hejustsatandstaredblanklyoutthewindshieldatnothing.WhenI poppedopenthepassengerdoor,Igotinwithabsolutelynoresponse fromhim.Hewasclearlyinshock.Ididn'tknowwhattodo,soIsatthere insilence,staringoutthefrontwindowwithhimwhileIwaitedforhim tocomebacktothepresent.Tocomebackfromwhateverdarkplacehe'd foundinhismind.

  Astheminutespassed,Iworriedaboutwhatwasgoingoninsidethe house.IwonderedhowRonniewastakingthenews.Eventually,Ilooked overatCooperandgentlyplacedmyhandonhis,whichstillgrippedthe wheeltightly.

  “Cooper?”Iwhispered,tryingtocoaxhimbackfromwhereverhe was.

  “Shewas...,”hestarted,unabletoforcethewordsout.

  “Yes.Shewas,”Irepliedsoftly,givinghishandalightsqueeze.

  “Becauseyou...”

  “Yes.”

  “Butwhy?Why that?”

  “Becauseit'swhatsheknows,Cooper,”Iexplaineddelicately.

  “She'sdoneitbefore.Isawthescars."

  Theleatherunderhishandgroanedashestrangledthewheel.He hunghisheaddowntohischestandslammedhiseyesshut.Aftera minute,hepulledhimselftogetherenoughtositbackupandreleasehis gripeversoslightly,buthewouldn'tfaceme.Hisgazedriftedstraight aheadyetagain.

  “Ithoughtshewastakingeverythingsowellatfirst,”hewhispered inaconfessionalway.“Iknewshewouldbreakdownwhenshethought shewasalone,butitseemedunderstandable.Ihadnoidea..."

  “Youcouldn'thaveknown,Coop.It'snotyourfault.”

  Hisexpressionwaspained.Hewasfightingtokeephisemotionsin check.

  “Howmany?”heaskedoutofnowhere.

  “Howmanywhat?”

  “Marks...onherlegs.Howmany?”Ifrowned,notwantingtoanswer him.TheanswerIhadtogivewasnotgoingtohelp."Ruby,please.How.

  Many?”

  “MorethanIcouldcountintheshorttimeIcouldseethem.Some werefresh.Otherswerelonghealed,”Isaid,wishingI'dhadbetternews forhim."Shetoldmeshe'sonlydoneitonafewoccasionsinthepast, butI'mnotsureIbelieveher.”

  Hesqueezedhiseyeshard,wincingawayfromtheinformationhe’d requested.Whenheopenedthemagain,asingletearescapedandslowly rolleddownhisface.Reflexively,Iwipeditaway.

  “Whatdowedo,Ruby?”Hisexpressionwaspitifulwhenhefinally turnedtofaceme.Itwasplainonhisfacethathefelthelpless,anditwas afeelinghewasbeyonduncomfortablewith.

  “Sheneedshelp,andnotthekindthatwecangiveher,Coop.She needscounseling.ItoldherthatshehastotellRonnieorI'mgoingtodo itforher.Thiscan'tbeblownover."

  “Willshedoit?”

  “Idon'tknow,butI'mcheckingwithhertomorrow.I'mnotletting thisgo.GodknowsIdon'twantto,butI'lltellhermomifsheforcesmy hand.Peytaneedsallthesupportshecangetrightnow.From allofus.”

  Hebreathedoutforciblywithonelargegust,thenfireduptheAudi.

  “Okay,”hesaidcurtly.“Whateverittakes.”

  “Agreed,”Iadded,forcingasmile.

  Heforcedagrimoneinreturn.

  “Iguessweshouldheadhomebeforeanymoreenlighteningfacts canpopup.”

  “It'sstillearly,Coop.Haven'tItaughtyounottosaythingslikethat outloud?Don'ttaunttheUniverse.Itdoesn'tlikeit,"Isighed.“Iknow thesethings.Itseemstohaveitoutformemoreoftenthannot.”

  Heputthecarinreverseandrolleditgentlydownthedriveway.

  “Gladtoseethatyou'reonyourbestdrivingbehaviorinthenew car,”Imocked,tryingtolightenthemoodatad."Don'tthinkyouplayed mewiththewhole'Idon'tthinkyoushoulddrivewhenyou'rethisupset'

  thing.Youjustwantedtodrivethenewcar.”

  Oncehehittheroadhethrewitinfirstgearandpeeledout,literally burningrubberinRonnie'sneighborhood.Heglancedoveratmewitha slightlyhauntedsmile.

  “WhatdoyouthinkI'vebeendoingwhileyouweregone?Ispenta lotoftimeinthiscartryingtofindyou.”

  “Cooper,Ithinkyoushouldslowdownabit,”IsaidcalmlyasI watchedthespeedometersteadilyincrease.

  “IspentalotofmilesrunningupanddowntheEasternSeaboard too,”hemumbled,begrudginglyobligingmyrequest.

  “I'msorry,Cooper,”Iwhispered.

  Hegavehisheadashakethenturnedandsmiledatme.Truly smiled.

  “Ididn'tmeanto
soundthatway,Rubes.Ijust...”Hepausedfora momenttochoosehiswordscarefully."I'vegotalotbuiltuptoothat needstocomeout.Ineedtofindanoutletforit.”

  Filledwithconcern,myeyesdartedtowardhim,searchinghis profileforexplanation.Ididn'tlikethesubtextofhisstatement.Clearly seeingmydistress,heelaborated.

  “Notdrugs,Ruby.A healthyoutlet.”

  “Okay,”Isighed,sinkinglowerinthepassengerseat.“Ithinkweall needoneofthoseall-inclusivevacationsinArubaorsomething.We're allwound waytootightlyatthemoment.”

  “Aruba,”hescoffed.“Yourpaleasswouldpracticallygoupin flamesthere.”

  Iwantedtoargue,buthewasright.Notwantingtoadmitthat directly,Iconcededthepoint.

  “YouknowwhatImean.”

  “Ithinkyouhavealittletoomuchonyourplatetobeplanningany trips,”hesaidwithachilltohistone."Youjustgotbackfromone.”

  “How'sthatlistofhealthyoutletscoming?”Iaskedcurtly.

  “Poorly.It'scomingalongpoorly,apparently.”

  “Soitseems.”

  Ourconversationstalledmomentarilyaswerolledintodowntown Portsmouth,neitheroneofuswantingtosaythewrongthingand potentiallystartafight.Therewereentirelytoomanyemotionspacked fartootightlyinmylittlesportscar.Weneededtodecompress.

  Coopersuddenlychuckledtohimselfatsomethoughthehadn't gottenaroundtosharingwithme.Itwasanervouslaughthatheldahint ofinstability.Iwasusedtohearingthatfrommyself―neverhim.

  “Well,atleastyouwon'thavetogotojailforMatty'smurder.”

  “What?”Iexclaimed,wheelingaroundtofacehim.“Iwasa suspect?Holyshit,Cooper!”

  “Ofcourseyouwere,”hesaidflatly.

  “Wow,”ImutteredtomyselfasIsankinmyseat.“Ijustnever thoughtabouttheauthorities,butIguessitmakesperfectsense.Iwasthe lastonetoseehimalive."Itriedtoprocesswhathehadsaid.Thelast thingonmymindhadbeenthehumanauthorities,butitwasanoversight ofepicproportions.Whywouldn'tIhavebeenasuspect?Iwasthelast knownpersonhehadseenthatnight.