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  Thatrealitybroughtaboutanentirelynewrevelation.

  “Wait!WhyamI notasuspect,Cooper?Ishouldbe.Thereisno goodreasonwhyIwouldn'tstillbeconsideredone.Infact,myabsence shouldonlystrengthentheircase,"Irambledasmymindstartedtopull thepiecestogether.“Doubleholyshit,Coop!I couldgotojailfor murder!Whywouldyoujokeaboutthis?”

  Hegavemehis'don'tbesuchadramaticblonde'face,forcingmeto sinkdownfurtherintotheseat.

  “I'mnotgoingtogotojailformurder?”Iasked.Heshookhishead no,once.

  “WhyamInotgoingtojail?”

  Hegracedmewiththatsamecondescendingexpression.

  “Sean... ”Iwhispered.Ishouldhavefactoredhimintotheequation longbeforethen.

  “Yetanothermesshehadtocleanupforyou.”

  “Seriously,Coop.IknowIdeservetheattitude,butI'mgoingto needyoutotakethehostilitydownanotchortwo.Justfortoday.Please,"

  Ipleaded,notabletodealwithanymoredigseventhoughtheywerewell deserved.“I'llmakeyoualistofhealthyoutletsmyself.Jogging,Tai Chi... ooooh,howaboutpottery.”

  “Okay,okay,Igetit.Pointmade.I'msorry,”hereplied,throwing bothhandsupinsurrender.

  “Handsonthewheel!Hands.On.The.Wheel!”

  Helookedoveratmeinallmycraziness,givingmehismost annoyedface.AllIcoulddowassnickerinresponse.Apparently,we werebothaweebitjumpyandpronetooverreactingthatmorning.

  BeforeIcouldmakeaflippantremark,asoberingrealityslammed itswayintomymind.

  “Cooper,”Istarted,mytonequestioning.“IfI'mnotasuspect,then whatamI?”

  “Technically,”hestartedwithasigh,“you'reamissingperson.”

  Missingperson...

  “OhmyGod.Aretherepeopleoutlookingformestill?”

  Hegavemeagrimlook.

  “Notanymore.Yourcaseisstillconsideredopen,butBostonPD

  andPortsmouthPDbothassumethatyouweremurderedtoo,andyour bodyneverwashedashorelikeMatty's."

  “Boston?Whyaretheyinvolved?Andwhatdoyoumean'washed ashore’?Mattywasneverinthe―”

  “Seanmakesthingsgoaway,Ruby.Hewantedtogettheheataway fromtown.MyguessisthathedumpedthebodyintheCharlesRiver somewhereanditgotdraggedouttoseawiththecurrent.Hewashedup alongthecoastline."

  “SowhyisPortsmouthstillinvolvedthen?”

  “Becausethat'swhereyouwerelastseen,”herepliedsomberly.

  “Alanquestionedme.Itoldhimthetruth,thatyouwalkedoutofour apartmentthatnightandnevercameback."Hepausedforamomentand tookadeepbreath.“IalsotoldhimthatIhadnoideawhereyouwere goingorwhoyouweremeetingupwith,whichwaspartiallytrue.They mademetakeapolygraph.GuessIwasasuspectforalittlewhiletoo."

  “I'msosorry,Cooper.Ihadnoidea.”

  “Don'tsweatit.AlanneverbelievedIhadanythingtodowithit fromtheget-go.HegotmeclearedASAPsothattheywouldfocustheir attentionelsewhere,"hesaid,blowingoffhisnear-murdererstatus.“He's agoodguy.”

  “He'sa greatguy,”Icorrected.“Maybeyoushouldtakemetothe precinct.Ineedtoseehim.”

  Cooperimmediatelyturnedthecararoundillegallyinaone-way, thenpulledupmomentslaterinfrontofthepolicestation.

  “Doyouwantmetocomeinwithyou?”heasked,searchingmy faceforhisanswer.Thoughmynerveswerehigh,myresolvewasstrong.

  LikewithPeyta,itwassomethingIneededtodoonmyown.

  “Nothanks,Coop,”Irepliedwithatightsmile.“I'mgoingtofly soloonthisonetoo.”

  Hegaveanod.“I'llwaitforyououthere.Anddon'tevenstartto arguewithme.You'renotwalkinghomebyyourself.Nottoday,"he added.“Notforawhile...”

  Ileanedoverandkissedhimsoftlyonthecheek,lingeringbyhis faceforjustamomentortwolongerthannecessary.I'dmissedhissmell.

  Cooperalwayssmelledamazing.

  “I'llberightback.”

  IhoppedoutoftheTTandmademywayupthestairstothe precinct,mystomachknottingtighterwitheverystep.Ididn'tknowwhat IwasgoingtodoorsayonceIwasinside;Iprayedforsomedivine intervention.

  Oncethroughtheheavydoubledoors,Iapproachedthepresumably bulletproofglassthatencasedthefrontdesk.Awomanatthetailendof herfiftieslookedupatme,notunkindly,andspokeintotheintercom.

  “CanIhelpyou?”sheasked.

  “Yes,”Ireplied,takingadeepbreath.“I'mhereaboutamissing personcase.”

  “I'llgetoneofthedetectivesdownhererightaway,”shesaidasshe pickedupthereceivertopagesomeone."CanIpleasegetyourname, miss?”

  “Ruby,”Isaidsoftly.“RubyDee. I'mthemissingperson.”

  5

  Herblankanddisbelievingexpressionquicklygavewaytorealization, andshebuzzedmethroughthelockedentrancetothemainofficesbehind her.Shewhiskedmedownthehall,jabberingonaboutnewsreportsand knowingthatmiraclesdidhappen;Istoppedlisteningtoher.Mystomach wasinmythroat,andeventhoughCooperwascertainI'dbeenremoved fromthesuspectlist,itdidlittleformyconfidenceonceIfoundmyself inthelion'sden.

  Ifollowedherdownthewindingcorridorsandupaflightofstairs tothesecondfloorwherethedetectives’officeswerelocated.Rounding thefinalturn,Iheardadoorsqueakasanofficeremergedfromthe bathroomahalfstepinfrontofme.IntrueRubyfashion,Islammedright intohim,nothavinghadtimetoreact.

  “Sorry!”Iexclaimed,spinningoffhisbodywiththemomentumhe created.“I'mso,so―”

  Istoppedcoldonceoureyesmet.Alanstoodbeforemeonlyfeet away,staringdownatmyfrazzledselfasthoughhe'dseenaghost.I guess,inallfairness,itwasn'tsuchanirrationalresponse;forallintents andpurposes,Ihadbeenconsidereddead.Mycasestillbeingopen seemedaformalityatbest.

  Notknowingwhattodo,Istoodparalyzed,juststaringbackathim.

  ThereactionsI'dreceivedsinceIreturnedhadbeenfarfromwhatI'd expected.Cooperhadyelledandpushedmeaway.Peytahadfeigned indifferencethenimploded.Iwasn'tcertainIwantedtoknowwhatAlan woulddo.Hewasano-bullshitkindofguywhoalwayscuttothequick.

  Hewouldn'tsugarcoatanythingforme,andinthatmoment,Icouldhave usedalittlepowderydusting.

  Themomentseemedtogoonforeveruntil,thankfully,the receptionistreturnedtoretrieveme,notrealizingthatshe'dlostmeinthe firstplace.

  “Ruby,Ineedyouto―”

  “I'vegotit,Alice.Thankyou,”Alansaid,cuttingheroffmid-sentence.Hiseyesneverleftmine.

  “Ofcourse,DetectiveBeauchamp,”shereplied,scurryingaround himtoreturntoherpost.

  “It'sreallyyou,”hemumbled.I'mnotsurehemeanttoactuallysay italoud.BeforeIcouldevenrespond,headvancedonme,scoopingme upinhislongarmsandcrushingmeagainsthischest."Theythoughtyou weregone,but...Ineverbelievedit.Iknewthislittlekittenhadafew livesleft.”Hepushedmeouttoarm'slengthtolookmeover,andI squirmedundertheintensityofhisgaze.

  “Imissedyouguys,”Iwhispereduncomfortably.

  “Comeon,”hesaid,hisvoicetakingonamoreserioustoneashe surveyedthehallway.“Let'shavethisconversationsomewheremore private."

  Heusheredmeintoaninterrogationroomtoensurewewouldn'tbe interruptedoroverheard.Iwasn'tclearonwhetherour'conversation'was tobeonorofftherecord,butIwentobliginglyregardless.IknewIhad someseriousexplainingtodo.

  Pullingoutoneoftheclichédmetal-leggedchairs,hemotionedfor metohaveaseatandsituatedhimselfonthefarsideofthetable.

  “Youwantsomewaterorsomething?”heoffered.

  “No.I'mfine,thanks
,”Ireplied,avoidinghisgaze.“HowareKristy andthebaby?”

  “Good.They'redownathermom'srightnow,takingcareofher.

  Shefinallygotherkneesdone.”

  “Oh,that'sgreat.Shereallyneededthatsurgery.I'mgladKristy couldbedowntheretohelp...”

  WhenIlookedupatAlan,hemerelynoddedinresponse.Our ridiculousattemptatcasualconversationquicklydied,leavingan awkwardsilencethathungintheroomaswestaredateachotheracross thetable.Whilewedid,Iwatchedavisibleshiftinhimoccur.Hewent fromconcernedfriendtohardened-beyond-his-yearsdetectiveinaneerie switchofpersonalities.ItseemedIwasn'ttheonlyonecapableofthose.

  “So,let'sstartfromthebeginning,Ruby,”hesaid,tentinghis fingersagainsthismouth.“Ithinkthatwouldbeeasiest."

  “Okay...,”Ireplied,notcertainastowhere“thebeginning”was.

  “YouwereatyourplacewithCooper,thensuddenlyleft.Wereyou alone?”

  Ilied.

  “Yes.”

  “Wherewereyougoing?”

  “TomeetMatty.”

  “Where?”

  Iliedagain.

  “Justintown...downbythedocks.Wehungouttheresometimes,”I addedforcredibility.“There'sanoldercouplethatlivesdownthere.

  They'veseenustheretogetherbefore.Youcanaskthem."

  “Noneed,”hesaidflatly.Hiscoppersonawasinhighgear.“Did youseeMatty?”

  “Yes.Isawhim.”

  “Andwhathappenedthen?”

  “Idon'tknow...,”Iwhispered,tryingtoconjureupsomethingtotell himthatwouldgoalongwithwhathealreadyknew.

  “Wereyouattacked?”

  “I'mnotsure.I―”

  “Wastheremorethanoneofthem?”hepressed,leaningforwardon thedesk.

  “Ican'tsay...Idon'tknow.”

  “Youdon'tknow?”

  “Idon'treallyremember.”

  “Youdon'tremember?What doyouremember,Ruby?”

  “Notmuch,”Imumbledweakly.

  “Wherehaveyoubeenforthepastthreeweeks?”

  “Idon'tknow.”

  “Youdon'tknow?”heechoeddisbelievingly.

  “No.Alan,I―”

  “BecauseI'mhavingahardtimeunderstandinghowyourfriend endedupoutsideofBostonwhenyousaidyoumethimhereintown."

  “I―”

  “AndI'malsohavingahardtimeswallowingthatyoudon'tknow anythingabouthowhediedorwhodidit.”

  “Whyareyoudoingthis?”Iasked,atearescapingthecornerofmy eye.He'dbeensohappytoseemeonlymomentsearlier.Itappearedthe honeymoonperiodwasover.

  “Becauseyou'relyingtome,Ruby.It'snotthefirsttimeeither,and it'sgettingundermyfuckingskinatthemomentbecauseIdon'tbelieve thatyouwouldlietomeunless someonewasputtingyouuptoitoryou weretryingtoprotectsomeone,”heyelled,slamminghishandagainst thetable.“AndIhaveaprettyfuckinggoodideawhothatsomeoneis too.Whathashegottenyouinto,Ruby?Whatdidhedo?Anddon'tthink forasecondthatIdon'tknowaboutwhathappeneddownatLangley.

  YourbuddywasdowntherewhenMcGurneywasexecuted.Thatisn't coincidenceinmymind.”

  Istaredathim,totallyflabbergasted.HethoughtSeankilled Matty―killedbothhimandMcGurney,forthatmatter.Andworstofall, hethoughtIknew.

  “Alan,”Isaidsoftly,tearsstillstainingmyface,“Seandidnotkill Matty.Hedidn'tkillMcGurneyeither."

  “Really?”heasked,histonedrippingwithdisdain.“Youweren't therewhensomefuckershotmyfriendinthebackofthehead,were you?"

  Iofferednothinginresponse.

  “Ididn'tthinkso.”

  “ButSeancalledmefromLangley...whenhewasflyingback.He foundMcGurneydead,Alan.Seanneededhishelp―informationona CIAcover-upthatonlyhecouldprovide.WhywouldSeankilltheone personwillingtohelphim?"Iasked,thinkingmypointswerebothtrue andvalid.

  “BecauseIhavethesneakingsuspicionthatyourfriend Seanisa

  'cleanupyourmesses'kindofguy.Ihavenodoubtthat,oncehegotwhat hewaslookingfor,hetidiedup,”herumbled,histonelowandmenacing.

  Whatwasfrighteningabouthisaccusationwasthat,asfarasthe supernaturalworldwent,hewasprettymuchspot-on."Isthatwhat happenedtotheCarmilokid?Washeamessthatneededtobecleaned up?”

  Ionceagainfoundmyselfmeetinghisquestionwithsilence.

  “You'dbesurprisedatwhatIcandigupwhenthemoodstrikesme, Ruby,”heretorted.“I'vebeenlookingintoyourbuddy,Sean.What's mostinterestingabouthimistheinformationI can'tfind.Ican'tseemto locatesomuchasanaddressforyourlittlefriend.I'mnotevensurehe hasalastname.”

  “Alan,please...it'sbeenaroughdayalreadyandit'sbarelykicked intogearyet.Itwasn'tSean.Youhavetobelieveme."

  “Thenwho?”heyelled,pushinghischairbackquicklytojumpto hisfeet.“Whowasit?”HeloomedovermelikeIwasacriminalhewas tryingtobreak.Toobadhewasn'tawareoftheironythesituationheld.

  “Idon'tknow,”Iwhispered,crumblingweaklyunderhisfrustrated energy.

  “Tellme,Ruby,”hesaidinawarningtone.“Tellmeorthischanges thingsbetweenus.I'vegivenyoualotoflatitudeinthetimeI'veknown youbecauseIhaven'twantedtobelievethatyouwerecomplicitinthat man'sactions.ButifyouwanttosithereandlietomyfacelikeI'msome rookiethatyoudon'tknow―whosefamilyyouhaven'tbecomeapart of―thenyou'regoingtofindoutwhatit'sliketobeonmywrongside.”

  “Stopit!”Iscreamed,burstingunderthegrowingpressureinthe room.“Itwasn'tSean.Ididn'tseewhodidit.AllI doknowisthatIdon't rememberathing.Nothing!Thelastthreeweeksofmylifearegone, Alan.Gone!IwokeupinthewoodssomewhereinMaine.Somepeople foundmeandbroughtmehome.Ididn'tevenknowI'dbeengonethat long.AndfromthesecondIgotback,I'vehadnothingbutanimosityand aggressionthrownmywaywithahealthydoseofaccusationtoboot.I can'tansweryourquestionswhenIdon'trememberanythingfromthe timeIsawMattyuntilthetimeIwokeupnakedinsomerandomforest.”

  Icouldbarelymanage,butIbroughtmygazeuptomeetAlan'sas heslowlywithdrewhisposition,sittingbackdowninhischair.Thelook onhisfacewasempty.Icouldpracticallyseehismindtryingtoprocess everythingI'dsaidafterthefact,butIdecidedtocontinueanyway.

  “SeanwasonaplanewhenMattydied,Alan.Italkedtohimearlier thatnight.That'swhenhetoldmeaboutMcGurney...justlikeItoldyou."

  Helookeddistant,likehewastryingtoputthepiecesofamental puzzletogetherbutcouldn'tquitedoit.

  “That'swhatheclaimedwhenhecametomeabout―”

  “Waitaminute...whatdoyoumeanhecametoyou?Whatareyou talkingabout?”

  “Itmeansthathecametomyhousetoreportyoumissinghimself.

  I'mguessing,givenwhatever occupationitisthathe'sin,hewantedto takemorecreativeavenuestofindyou,”hesaid,eyeingmetightlyagain.

  “Ididn'tknowaboutyourfriendMattyuntillongafterSeanhadcometo me.HadIknownatthetime,Iwouldn'thavelethimleavesoeasily."

  “Andnow?”Iasked,thinkingAlanstillwasn'tgoingtobelievemy story.Infairness,itwasn'texactlytrue.

  “There'snothingtodo.Thehomicideisaclosedcase,”hesaidwith acertaindistaste.“AbodywasfoundjustoutsideofBostoninthe victim'scar.HewasidentifiedasthePortsmouthmurdererbasedon someevidencethatwasneverreleasedtothepublic.Carmilo'sbloodwas foundonhisclothesandinthevehicle.ThebesttheBostonPDcould determinewasthattheperphaddrivendowntoHopkintontodumpthe bodyintheriverandletitwashdownstream.Whatwasleftofithad woundsthatindicatedafighthadgonedown.Allwecouldassumewas that
theperphadbeenbadlywoundedandslowlybledout.”Alanleaned forward,elbowsrestingonthetable,hisheadinhishands.

  “Convenient―don'tyouthink―thatamurderer,whowasalready

  'eliminated'byyourownaccount,camebacktolifetokillyourfriend?I thinkit's highlyconvenient,andIalsothinkit'sbullshit.Ihavenoidea howSeandidwhathedid,buthemanufacturedthiswholecover-up,andI wanttoknowhowandwhy."

  SodidI.KnowingthatKeithJameshadbeenlongsincebeen burnedtoashinRonnie'sbackyard,Iwasacutelyawarethatitcouldn't havebeenhisbodyinthatcarthattheBPDfound.Itmademewonder justwhosebodyitwasandexactlywhatlengthsSeanhadgonetotoclean upmymess.

  IhadnoexplanationtoofferAlan.Hewasn'tstupid;heknewthatI knewmorethanIwaslettingon.Asfarasheknew,Iwasbeingevasive, butIknewthathecouldn'tprovehislittletheory.Seanandtheboyshad doneexactlywhatAlanhadaccusedthemof,andconsequently,done whattheydobest―makeproblemsdisappear.

  “Idon'tknowwhatmoreIcandohere,Alan.I'mtellingyouwhatI remember,whichisnothing.Ihavefuckingamnesiaorsomestress-inducedwhateverthat'sblockingmythoughts.Hell,Icouldhavebeen roofiedforallIknow.Hookmeuptoapolygraphifyoudon'tbelieve me.Askmeanythingyouwantaboutthelastthreeweeks.Iguarantee youI'llsailthroughitbecauseIdon'tremember,”Ipostured,gaininga littlecomposure.“IfyouwanttotalktoSean,haveatit.You'llhaveto findhimfirst,andbelieveme,he'sthetypethatcan'tbefoundifhe doesn'twanttobe.He'saghost.”

  “Youdon'tknowhowtofindhim?Getaholdofhim?”heasked disbelievingly.

  “Notifhedoesn'twantmeto,”Irepliedwithatwingeofsorrowin myvoice.“HeandIaren'twhatyouthink,Alan.I'mnothingtohimnow.

  Ican'thelpyou."

  Istoodslowly,awkwardlypickingatthehemofmytee.Alantold methatmyrefusaltoexplainwouldchangethings.Iknewwithone hundredpercentcertaintythathewasn'tbluffing.Thefrustrationand resentmentthatrolledoffofhimtoldmeso.

  “I'msorry,Alan.Ireallyam.Iknowyouhatecover-upsand conspiraciesmorethananything,andfindingthetruthisafundamental needforyou,butIcan'thelpyou.Ihaveawholelotofthingstofigure outformyselfrightnow,mainlywhatinGod'snamehappenedtomefor thelastthreeweeks,”Isaidsoftly,hatingmyselfforhavingtolie.“Do meonefavor,please...”